1. OK, so the movie starts with Bill the chocolatier literally throwing free candy at a bunch of rich children…
2. Like, clearly he’s perfectly fine giving away candy to all of these privileged children…
3. BUT…the second little Charlie, who’s actually like the poorest kid in town, tries to buy one measly Wonka Bar, Bill suddenly wants his cash money.
DOUCHE MOVE, BILL.
4. NEXT…we have Grandpa Joe, who’s been lying in bed for like 20 years while his poor, worn-out daughter serves him cabbage water.
5. And his grandson, Charlie, has to help deliver newspapers and do laundry with a giant wooden fork…
6. All so Grandpa Joe can forgo his own responsibilities and lie around like a lifeless lump.
7. BUT… the minute Charlie comes running in with a golden ticket, Grandpa Joe is suddenly full of life…
8. Like, what a jerk move, Grandpa Joe. You couldn’t get up for TWENTY YEARS to help your daughter and grandson, but AS LONG AS THERE’S A TRIP TO THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY, TIME TO BUST A MOVE.
9. ALL THE WHILE, he sings *I* have a golden ticket, as if the prize belongs to him, when clearly, it belongs to his poor grandchild, Charlie.
Try thinking about another person for one second in your depressing life, Grandpa Joe.
10. Oh yeah, and what’s the first thing he does when he gets out of bed? He throws his clothes around the house, makes a mess that his daughter will probably have to clean up. What an asshole.
11. Not to mention…he keeps chocolate bars under his nasty-ass pillow. WHO KEEPS CHOCOLATE UNDER A PILLOW?! *Especially* a pillow that you’ve supposedly been sleeping on for like 20 years straight.
12. BUT ANYWAY… Later, when they’re in the Chocolate Factory, it’s actually Grandpa Joe who pressures Charlie into breaking the rules and swigging a bit of Fizzy Lifting Drink.
13. He puts his own selfish desires ahead of Charlie’s chance at a lifetime supply of chocolate…
14. And ruins everything because he couldn’t hold back his lust for a Fizzy Lifting Drink.
15. AND THEN…when Wonka understandably flips and tells Charlie to get out, Grandpa Joe immediately tells Charlie he should sell out and give Slugworth his Everlasting Gobstopper.
Thankfully, Charlie knows better and gives Wonka his candy back. But Grandpa Joe is still a jerk and the worst role model on Earth.
16. MOVING ON… Willy Wonka is a racist. I’m sorry, but all of these children are WHITE. If Wonka Bars are sold globally, statistically speaking, at least three of these children should be Asian…
But they’re not Asian, are they? No. Because Willy Wonka is a racist.
17. Then, of course, Willy Wonka gets all angry at Augustus Gloop when he jumps into the chocolate river. And Wonka’s legion of Oompa Loompas march out with a judgmental tune about gluttony…
18. BITCHES, you work at a chocolate factory. You gave up your right to judge fat children when you left Loompaland to mass-produce sugary treats for a deranged hermit.
19. Speaking of which, you’ll notice — AFTER Augustus almost dies in the chocolate river…
20. Wonka calls forth a boat that wouldn’t have had enough seats for Augustus and his mother, WHICH MEANS… he KNEW someone wasn’t gonna make it.
21. IN FACT…by the end of the movie, Wonka gets in a car with room for only FOUR guests. HE KNEW. HE KNEW THE WHOLE TIME. HE KNEW THE OTHER KIDS WOULD DIE.
22. Oh…and all that fuss about “contaminating” the Fizzy Lifting Drink tank. Wonka put USED SHOES into a recipe. And then he flips a shit about Charlie touching the walls of the tank with his hands. WTF, WONKA.
23. IN CONCLUSION: WONKA IS INSANE. GRANDPA JOE IS A LAZY ASS. AND EVERYBODY IN THIS MOVIE IS A JERK.
- Texas carried out its 11th execution of the year on Tuesday — the most of any state — putting to death an inmate who murdered a man over $8. ›