51 Things That Are Probably Happening In The Women’s Bathroom

According to me, someone who’s never been in the women’s bathroom.

1. The entire series of Friends is screening on a widescreen television in front of a luxurious couch.
2. A company of woodland elves is choreographing a whimsical forest dance.
3. Steve Jobs, still alive, is giving away free iPhone 9s.
4. Chocolate is flowing from a gorgeous five-tier golden fountain.
5. The Whos of Whoville are hosting an extravagant Christmas tree-lighting ceremony.
6. A caring mother deer is giving birth to a beautiful fawn.
7. A group of dogs is smoking cigars while playing poker at a card table.
8. Hot yoga.
9. Someone is building one of those elaborate, detailed sand castles like they build in those sand castle competitions.
10. A renowned French baker is artfully crafting the greatest batch of macarons known to womankind.
11. There’s a mini golf course, and all the lights are on and everything.
12. Someone is building a piece of IKEA furniture and it’s going really badly.
13. A group of feral cats is fighting for a small piece of cheese.
14. Someone is dancing to a song playing from one of those really old record players with the big fancy twisty speaker thing on top.
15. A magician is performing magic and explaining every single trick.
16. The guy from those infomercial commercials is demonstrating the tiny blenders that you can make individual smoothies in.
17. There’s a full salad bar with eight types of lettuce and a heaping pile of peeled hard boiled eggs.
18. A butler is serving freshly made pink lemonade WITH ice cubes and a slice of lemon and a curly straw.
19. A pack of squirrels is struggling to put on a trench coat so they look like a full human.
20. Someone is single-handedly putting all the little hairs that are in a broom into a broom.
21. Someone is carving a watermelon, but leaving the seeds in it so everyone gets angry later.
22. A lioness is purring softly in a corner.
23. The Keebler elves are having a board meeting.
24. A diabetic unicorn is having a blood transfusion.
25. Someone is meticulously removing every seed from the outside of a strawberry.
26. Venus and Serena Williams are sharing one of those ice cream cones that are dipped in chocolate but then dry really fast so they’re crunchy and chocolatey at the same time.
27. Someone is filling up a bucket with water balloons, but like, actual sized balloons, not the tiny ones. Like, full-on balloons filled with water.
28. Her Majesty The Queen is sitting in a very small chair near the door, drying everyone’s hands with a beach towel.
29. Someone is trying to piece together a smashed piggy bank.
30. Minnie Mouse is filling out divorce papers.
31. A tiny, ancient Italian woman is painfully kneading a pile of pizza dough.
32. Someone is just spray painting a goat.
33. Five small bison are grazing near a serene brook.
34. An epileptic parrot is singing the alphabet backward.
35. A herd of over-milked cows is hiding from an unpleasant farmer.
36. There’s a really big haystack but nobody knows why it’s there, it’s just always been there and everybody has to just walk around it and pretend it doesn’t exist or it’ll get angry.
37. A baby chinchilla is chewing softly on one of those Japanese melons that’s been morphed into a weird shape.
38. Someone from Sallie Mae is sending you a student loan bill.
39. A very angry orangutan is trying to peel an orange and becoming angrier with each attempt.
40. Someone is just sitting in the corner, opening a package of Oreos, picking up each cookie individually, pulling it apart, licking every last bit of cream from the middle, putting the two chocolate halves back together, and then putting it back in the package like nothing happened.
41. Someone is writing the recipe for the McDonald’s Big Mac Secret Sauce on the mirror in lipstick.
42. An albino elephant is dancing to a sad slow song and just like bawling her eyes out.
43. Three gay penguins are getting married.
44. A cobbler’s apprentice is making wooden shoes, but doing a really bad job.
45. Someone is frosting one of those really expensive cakes that look like you can’t even eat them because there’s just so much frosting on it, you know? There’s just too much frosting. That’s TOO MUCH frosting. You need to stop putting that frosting on cakes.
46. One of those playground horses that rock back and forth on a spring is there, but nobody is allowed to ride it.
47. Someone is reading one of the Harry Potter books out loud, in an English accent, even though they’re not even English and they’ve never even been to England.
48. Someone is selling mangos from a fruit stand, and they’re probably the best mangos you’ll ever taste in your life. Just, like, really great, delicious, juicy mangos.
49. There’s a pool full of flawless diamonds, but everybody is only allowed to look at it once.
50. Women are pooping.
51. Women are peeing.

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