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21 Things Her Majesty The Queen Is Probably Thinking This 4th Of July

A message to the colonies from your new global overlord.

1. “Listen up, wankers…”

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2. “Your lives belong to me now.”

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3. “Yes. Yes. You wankstains may think you won your freedom long ago.”

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4. “But you’re wrong. My empire is alive again.”

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5. “My minions are preparing our artillery as we speak.”

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6. “The idea of your independence makes the tiny white bristles of my ass hair stand on end.”

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7. “And you will taste those hairs lest you deliver yourselves to me instantly.”

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8. “You colonists think you own this globe… But I will envelop you in the flappy folds of my queendom.”

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9. “You rogues expect me to relent?”

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10. “I will burn your pansy country to the ground.”

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11. “We’ve launched our finest weaponry. Oh yes, peasants. Just wait.”

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12. “Our treasury is deep and strong.”

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13. “And my peasant children are working the factories, building our strength.”

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14. “ALL WILL LOVE ME AND DESPAIR.”

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15. “My empire will rise like a great engulfing fanny, swallowing all who oppose it.”

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16. “We will surround you with our robust vegetation.”

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17. “We will weaponize our finest gingers.”

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18. “WE WILL RUN YOU DOWN WITH OUR CHARGING CARRIAGES.”

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19. “Oh yes, peasants. My empire is rising again.”

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20. “Britain will be avenged.”

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21. “Oh, yes. And so will I.”

Chris Jackson / Getty Images

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