The following list was composed by an extensive team of exactly one Hot Guy Expert, Ph.D., who tirelessly poured through pages upon pages of shirtless pictures to select, upon meticulous consideration, the hottest athlete from every country participating in this blesséd World Cup.
Each guy was then ranked, according to a number of scientific factors, from hottest to even more hottest, ending in the steamiest, hunkiest, blazingly sexiest man ever to grace the World Cup stage.
The task was not easy.
But it was necessary.
32. Uruguay: Nicolás Lodeiro
Nicolás has the robust, square jaw of a gentle Uruguayan giant. He can chop wood, grind spices, and probably build an entire house, all without using any muscles below the neck. But let’s be real… This jaw is too perfect. This man could lift a truck with his face. Nobody should have that much neck strength. Nobody.
31. Colombia: Santiago Arias
Santiago has the soft, baby-like skin of a true World Cup hunk. He has the distinct honor of being both cute and sexy, with eyebrows that can go from innocently straight to seductively curvaceous — a tremendously under-appreciated point of sexiness.
30. South Korea: Park Chu-young
Do I wish Chu-young’s hair wasn’t so sweaty and sticky and plastered to his face? Yes. Does it matter? Not really. Because I bet that hair looks great when he runs and also probably before it gets too sweaty.
29. USA: Geoff Cameron
Geoff has the striking, flawless handsomeness of a soaring bald eagle. He’s broad and tough, yet somehow sleek and smooth. Perfect for modeling underwear, if I’m being honest, but I guess that’s up to him. I’m not telling you what to do with your life, Geoff. All I’m saying is that you should quit sports and become an underwear model.
28. Netherlands: Robin van Persie
Things that are appropriate to put on top of a delicious Dutch pancake: Syrup. Fruit. Whipped Cream. Robin van Persie.
27. Cameroon: Eric Choupo Moting
Eric is adorable and charming and has the effortless allure of a guy who’s not trying too hard, because he’s just naturally good-looking. Also, he wears sparkly shirts.
26. England: Jordan Henderson
Jordan makes me want to pour a hot cup of tea all over my face, just to cool myself down. He has the sharp, striking gaze of someone who knows his way around a field, if you know what I mean.
25. Ivory Coast: Yaya Touré
First of all, Yaya’s name is Yaya. Second of all, I bet he hugs really great with his thighs.
24. Greece: Andreas Samaris
Andreas is the kind of guy who wakes up in the morning, rolls out of bed, puts on a sweatshirt and walks outside looking absolutely beautiful, like he’s ready to model for a cologne ad, or something that really good-looking people do when they walk outside in the morning.
23. Switzerland: Roman Bürki
Mostly I like his facial hair situation, because it makes him look like a sexy magician who kind of stumbled onto the soccer field and didn’t know what to do, so he just took off his shirt.
22. Bosnia and Herzegovina: Mensur Mujdza
Mensur has the brooding sexiness of a guy who lives in your apartment building who never leaves his door open long enough for you to see what’s actually happening inside, but that’s OK, because he’s probably just raising a bunch of orphaned kittens, and definitely not hiding dead bodies.
21. Nigeria: Joseph Yobo
Joseph’s face is strong and bold, the face of a strapping, muscular king who would be agreeable, yet firm in his kingly ambitions, and inspire confidence and lust in his loyal subjects.
20. Russia: Aleksandr Kerzhakov
Aleksandr has the kind of quiet, unassuming beauty that sneaks up on you while you’re sleeping. You won’t see it coming, but when it does… BAM, his piercing eyes ensnare you, and all you can do is try, helplessly, to resist the urge of running your hands across his brawny, flawlessly-stubbled jaw, while you stare into his sparkling pupils.
19. Ecuador: Gabriel Achilier
Gabriel has the kind of handsomeness that wins awards, just because people want to give him awards — any award — so they can be near him and his thick, burly jaws.
18. Costa Rica: Diego Calvo
Diego is the kind of man who could do something really stupid to his hair and you’d be like, “I wish I could get angry at you, because that looks pretty dumb, but we’re gonna get through this, we’ll just put you in a hat.”
17. Iran: Alireza Jahanbakhsh
I could write an entire novel about Alireza’s eyebrows alone — a love story, featuring me, an innocent damsel trapped in a tall, dark tower, and his eyebrows, the strapping pair of heroes who rescue me from capture before getting me pregnant and nurturing me lovingly for the rest of my life, until (SPOILER ALERT!) we die, holding one another softly, like we always had.
16. Japan: Keisuke Honda
Keisuke is a delicate, smooth flower. When he sweats, it’s like a petal gathering dew in the fresh dawn of morning. You just want to smell it. And then drink it.
15. Mexico: Francisco Rodríguez
Francisco is the kind of hunk that inspires fear with his attractiveness, the kind of guy that makes you want to scream, just from looking at him, because you cannot believe one human can contain this much beauty.
14. Belgium: Dries Mertens
Dries is like an adorable little mouse who happens to be really hot and have a six pack and looks good without a shirt on even when he’s wearing a straw hat.
13. Chile: Alexis Sanchez
Alexis is the kind of guy whose skin probably feels like soft blankets, freshly cleaned and dried in the hot sun, and you just want to throw them on the floor and roll around in them and feel your skin against their warmth.
12. Honduras: Víctor Bernárdez
Víctor looks like he could pick you up and toss you onto a bed without even breaking a sweat, conserving his energy for more important things… like making you breakfast in bed.
11. Algeria: Saphir Taider
Saphir could sit on anything and it would look like a throne, especially when all he’s wearing is a pair of sunglasses.
9. Ghana: Kevin-Prince Boateng
Kevin-Prince looks like he might stare at you for a long time and you’d get a little creeped out, because why is this guy staring at you like this, but then he starts smiling and you start smiling and he starts laughing and you start laughing and before you know it, you’re just making out and all he did was look at you.
8. Argentina: Ezequiel Lavezzi
Ezequiel’s beard is the definition of a hot beard. All other beards should be judged against this beard. This beard is ruler of all beards. It’s bristly, yet soft, made of the finest Argentinian hairs and mounted on one of the most beautiful faces known to the Americas.
7. Portugal: Miguel Veloso
OK, yes, Cristiano Ronaldo is on Team Portugal, and he is, inarguably, a really, really, ridiculously good-looking human. But guess what? Miguel looks better. If Miguel modeled underwear, the world would end. That’s how attractive Miguel is. Miguel’s face and teeth and eyes and hair and smile are a gift to this earth, and we should all be lucky that we’re alive at the same time as he is.
6. Germany: Mats Hummels
Mats Hummels doesn’t even try to be hot. He just is hot. He lives and breathes and exists while being hot. He doesn’t know any other way.
5. Croatia: Dejan Lovren
Dejan is STUPIDLY hot. The kind of hot that makes you forget your own name. The kind of hot that makes you forget you even exist because you start thinking about how Dejan is the only person who should exist, so the world could be absolutely perfect.
4. Brazil: Neymar
Neymar is the perfect package: He’s adorable, he’s sexy, his hair is flawless, his stomach is tight, and he’s probably saved a puppy who fell into a well once or twice.
3. Spain: Sergio Ramos
Yes, the entire Spanish team is hot. But Sergio isn’t just a pretty face. He also has pretty hair and pretty muscles and a pretty beard and a pretty tattoo just above his pubes.
2. France: Olivier Giroud
Olivier is the closest thing to a statuesque French God this world will ever know. I would watch him eat an entire baguette using nothing but his lips.
1. Italy: Ciro Immobile
Arriving at Ciro Immobile as not only the Hottest Italian, but the Overall Hottest World Cup Player, was not an easy journey. There are over 700 total World Cup players (that’s like, 1,400 pecs and over 4,000 abs), and all of them are pretty hot. But none of them — NO, NOT EVEN THE ONE YOU’RE THINKING OF — is as hot as Ciro. Ciro is everything. Ciro gets into hot tubs with his friends wearing white underwear and he doesn’t care. Ciro has the face of a fine Italian sculpture, the body of a Roman god, and the personality of someone who has a really great personality. He is the One True Hot World Cup Player.