ATTENTION EVERYONE: IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHO SAM SMITH IS, TAKE A DEEP BREATH, DO YOUR STRETCHES, DRINK A TALL, COLD GLASS OF LIQUIDS, AND PUSH THE GIANT ROCK YOU’VE BEEN LIVING UNDER OFF OF YOUR FACE, BECAUSE YOU’RE IN FOR THE DISCOVERY OF YOUR LIFE.
1. This is Sam Smith, a 22-year-old British singer and songwriter, and a precious, burning beacon of light that will guide us all to salvation in this dark, bleak world.
2. You might recognize Sam for his angelic, enchanting vocals on Disclosure’s hit song, “Latch.” Or from any of the songs from his debut album, In The Lonely Hour.
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3. For reference, here he is singing, opening his mouth while beautiful spirals of musical grace spill forth into the world.
4. Basically, if you don’t know, Sam Smith’s voice is the voice of a thousand angels singing as one, giving birth to baby angels along the way and raising those angel babies in a warm, comforting family environment, all in your ears.
5. His voice is like the sound of a million doves hatching into the sky and then learning to play an orchestra of harps in the sky while they sing, softly and pleasantly, in the heavens.
6. His voice is like if Beyoncé and Adele and Amy Winehouse had a beautiful diva love child, and raised him in a diva cave and released him into the wild to bless the rest of us with his divine existence.
7. Sam also has a literally flawless sense of fashion and looks perfect pretty much always.
8. He can pull of a long coat that he probably uses to fly above the rest of us, singing softly while we sleep below, flapping his angelic wings as he soars.
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9. He wears all-white like an actual cherub, draped in the only garb befitting his heavenly presence.
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10. Also his skin is as smooth as a freshly cleaned baby’s bottom.
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11. His presence on stage is basically the equivalent of a beautiful statue emerging from the mist.
Frazer Harrison / Getty Images for Coachella
12. He’s the owner of a very shiny Brit Award, which he probably wields like a majestic sword while singing, warrior-like, on the fields of battle.
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15. His hair is basically as high as his voice, and just as perfect.
21. And he is here to quench ours, to save us from the parched lands of music, to sing into our dehydrated ears and fill us with life.
25. But obviously he is the definition of flawless in his own right.
26. He is the light and the way, the source of endless joy and grace and beauty, who’s totally happy being himself.
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