1. To start off, the Germans have this babe-faced hunklet named Manuel Neuer.
2. They have Manuel’s smooth babe-like face and stern babe-like eyes.
4. And, of course, they have all of the German babeness that can squeeze into this tight sweaty undershirt.
5. They also have this beautiful fuzzy flower named Benedikt Hoewedes.
6. And all of Benedikt’s flawless field work.
7. But mostly, all of his adorable, fuzzy-faced, wispy-haired, doe-eyed grace and beauty.
8. They have actual angelic cherub hunk Julian Draxler.
9. They have Julian’s perfect, long hunk hams.
10. They have all of this beauty getting out of a fancy-looking car.
12. And all of his glowing god-like form emerging from the depths of the waters like an actual statue made smooth yet hard by the depths of the seas.
13. Probably most importantly, they have actual German man sculpture Mats Hummels.
14. They have his rock-like German jaw and sword-like cheekbones and flowing black hair.
15. They have his actual angelic smile.
16. And they have all of his statuesque German babeness glowing like a plump pretzel fresh from the oven, warm and soft.
19. They have all of his sweaty, towel-wearing, trophy-holding gorgeousness.
22. They also have the strapping husky bulk of a German godlike statue named Bastian Schweinsteiger.
23. And all of Bastian’s freeness.
24. And all of his angry, I’m-gonna-tear-off-my-shirt-just-because-I-can hunkness.
25. And basically all of his “standing around with the guys, but I had to take my shirt off because that’s how I’m most comfortable” realness.
26. They also have ginger babe Andre Schuerrle and his beautiful, flowing ginger hair and ginger scruff.
27. They have his smooth babe-like face.
28. And his “I still look good even though I basically took this selfie from the worst angle” abilities.
29. And all of this beautiful, dripping, tall, cold stein of beer gorgeousness.
30. Also they have actual rock-like man boulder Lukas Podolski.
31. And all of Lukas’ casually seductively licking-the-rain-with-his-muscles-out abilities.
32. They have his smoldering, fuzzy-faced stare.
33. The casual strolling about with my flat stomach just casually deflecting the atmosphere with its flatness.
35. And this beautiful selfie-taking face.
36. They have actual models even though they’re just casually strolling around at the beach Ron-Robert ZIeler and Mesut Ozil.
38. They have Philipp Lahm’s casually perfect eyebrow game.
39. And Shkodran Mustafi’s casually flawless facial hair game.
40. And Toni Kroos’s casually “I look perfect even though I’m running very fast” game.
42. They have actual babe wonder Erik Durm.
44. But especially his slurping-from-a-watermelon-while-shirtless capabilities.
45. And basically all of his inability to keep his shirt on while also remaining quenched.
46. They have the adorable beauty and grace that is Mario Goetze.
47. They have Mario’s adorable little blond hair and his little face and all his little scruffy hairs.
50. And basically all of his adorable but also steamy selfies.
51. They have the actual all-around perfection that is Jerome Boateng.
53. Basically just hotness squared and then doubled and then squared again.
54. They have these flawless German legs and feet and all-around steaminess.
55. And basically they have all of this babeness crammed into one team and it is perfect.
BONUS: Here’s German Chancellor Angela Merkel happily posing with all of this German perfection after their World Cup victory over Portugal.
The beautifully bearded German hunk in 38 is Shkodran Mustafi, not Per Mertesacker, even though he is also flawless.