51 Questions I Have For Bed Bath & Beyond

What do you want from us, Bed Bath & Beyond? WHAT DO YOU WANT?

1. First of all, how dare you?

2. Why do you sell, like, seven different kinds of cheese graters? What could I possibly do with seven different kinds of cheese graters? Do… do you think I just grate cheese all day long? Do you think I just get home from a long day of grating cheese at work, put up my feet and then continue grating cheese with one of my seven cheese graters? Is that what you think? Is that what you think life is like, Bed Bath & Beyond?

3. What the fuck is the difference between a duvet cover and a comforter? Do I need both? Do I need just one? WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE, BED BATH & BEYOND? WHY DO YOU WANT ME TO HAVE BOTH OF THEM? Why can’t you just give me the one I need?

4. Literally where am I in this store? And why does it smell like lotions everywhere even though there’s only one part of the store that sells lotions? Am I near the lotions? Am I always just near the lotion aisle of Bed Bath & Beyond?

5. Why don’t you just tell me what sheets I should buy? Why don’t you just explain to me that one sheet is better than another sheet, because we all know that you know which one is better, and I don’t wanna get home, try to get the fitted sheet onto my mattress, tuck everything in, squeeze my pillows into pillowcases and then climb into my bed and find out that the sheets are shitty sheets. Do you know that feeling, Bed Bath & Beyond? Do you know the feeling of lying atop a disappointing sheet? Let’s just cut the shit and you just tell me what fucking sheets I should buy.

6. Why do you let children touch the pillows? Do you know what kind of diseases they carry? Do you want me to lie my head atop a diseased pillow because you let a grimy 4-year-old fondle the bedding?

7. Why won’t you just let me roll around in the sheets in my underwear when we all know that’s the only way I’m gonna be able to decide if they work for me?

8. What about this throw pillow makes it worth $129.99? Huh? What about this shitty throw pillow would make any sane human spend enough to buy 130 slices of pizza on a single square of cushy fabric and stuffing? Did Jesus make this pillow? Did Jesus personally weave this pillow from ancient, biblical thread? Is that why it’s so expensive, Bed Bath & Beyond? Is that why you think I’m gonna pay $129.99 for a pillow?

9. Why should I trust a slow cooker not to burn my entire apartment to the ground? Why are you trying so hard to get me to buy a slow cooker? I DON’T TRUST SLOW COOKERS, BED BATH & BEYOND. WHY DO YOU TRUST THEM?

10. Why are you always putting price stickers on my glassware? Do you know how difficult it is to get stickers off of glassware? Do you know how many concoctions of peanut butter and olive oil and spit and blood I’ve had to create because the Internet told me that’s the only way I can get a fucking sticker off of my glassware?

Kevork Djansezian / Getty Images

Sign that goads you deeper into the Beyond.

11. Can you just stop selling pillows that are too small if I only use one of them and too big if I use two of them? I just want a medium-sized pillow that I can stack, one atop the other, and then be able to put my head on while remaining in the same atmospheric layer as before I put my head on it. Is that possible, Bed Bath & Beyond?

12. What the fuck is a sham? Literally what the fuck is a sham?

13. Why do none of the stock photo people in your frames look like me?

14. Where do you think I’m gonna put all this stuff? Do you think I have room for all this stuff? You think I just open the door to my apartment and there’s all this space for a cake tin and a cake stand and cake cutter and a cake server and a cake fork? You think I live in some kind of mansion?

15. How many candles do you think I need? Are we starting a bonfire? Is that what you want me to do, Bed Bath & Beyond? Start a bonfire with candles? Can’t I just buy one, single, good-smelling candle? Or do I always have to prepare to supply an entire campground with light?

16. What do all these knives even do? Why? Why do I need this many knives? Why is this one all funny-shaped and not knife-shaped? Just. Just tell me what knife is a good knife and I’ll buy it. Why are there so many?

17. Where am I supposed to keep all these towels? Huh? You think people just have space in their bathrooms for all these towels? You’re always trying to get me to buy more towels? What’s wrong with the towels I have, Bed Bath & Beyond? You don’t like my towels? You’re too good for my towels?

18. You think I have room in my kitchen for all this stuff? You think I have enough cabinet space for an entire mixer dedicated to ensuring that every leaf in my salad is perfectly coated with ranch dressing? Can’t I just shake a bowl myself? WHY DO I NEED AN ENTIRELY SEPARATE APPARATUS JUST FOR MIXING MY SALAD?

19. How many ways do you think I can make coffee? Just tell me the fastest way to make coffee and then give that to me. Do you think I want coffee to be difficult? Is that what you want? Do you want me to use your little grinders and pulls and pumps just to get one cup of coffee? There’s not even that many ways to make coffee, Bed Bath & Beyond. Why are you lying?

20. How many ice cub trays do you think one man can possibly own? Why isn’t one ice cube shape good enough? Why are you making regular square ice cubes feel bad about themselves?

21. Do you even know what a dutch oven is?

22. Why do I need so many cups? Have you ever drank wine out of a mug, Bed Bath & Beyond? Have you ever tried just drinking wine out of a mug? Because it tastes the same. I don’t need your fancy wine glasses. I don’t need your fancy, swirly, sharp little wine glasses with the tiny little stems that will break the second I pick them up. Just give me wine.

23. You think I’m gonna make my own ice cream?

24. Why are there so many types of strainers? What variety of things could I possibly need to strain that I would need that many strainers?

25. You think people still fondue? You think I’m actually gonna melt something in a special little bowl and then dip other things into that with special little sticks just because you tell me to, Bed Bath & Beyond? Is that how you think I’m gonna spend my nights and weekends? Just dipping stuff into a special bowl with special sticks?

Kevork Djansezian / Getty Images

Actual photograph of a woman lost inside Bed Bath & Beyond.

26. Why are you always trying to get me to make popcorn outside of the microwave? Have you tasted microwave popcorn? It’s delicious. And it’s way easier than whatever you’re trying to sell me to do it.

27. You think I’m gonna make my own bread?

28. Why are there so many types of pans? Why aren’t we all just using one pan for everything? You only need one pan. We all only need one pan. Why are there so many pans?

29. Why do you even sell frying pans that are not non-stick frying pans? Do you think I want a stick frying pan? Does anybody walk into Bed Bath & Beyond and say, “Hello Bed Bath & Beyond, I would like to purchase a frying pan that everything gets stuck to.”?

30. Why are you always trying to get me to buy stuff to make my own cookies? Can’t we just skip the mixing bowls and the cooking trays and you just sell me cookies?

31. Do. You. Think. I. Will. EVER. Make. My. Own. Waffles?

32. Has anybody literally ever purchased fine china from your establishment?

33. What the FUCK is a decanter?

34. Why are all your coffee cups so small? Do you know how much coffee I drink? Can we just stop with the tiny little cups that you think are enough for me?

35. Why do I need an ice bucket? Why can’t I just use any other bucket? You think my buckets aren’t good enough for ice? Just let me have this, for once.

36. What the fuck is a sconce?

37. Why do you sell approximately 80 types of clocks?

38. Why do you tell me that these curtains will block out the sun when I can still see the sun through them? Do you like ruining my Saturday morning, Bed Bath & Beyond? Do you like sitting on a throne of lies, surrounded by tiny slivers of sunlight sneaking past where your curtains don’t quite cover the window?

39. How… how do you want me to leave the store with this giant ass rug? Am I just gonna walk home with this big ass rug? Just gonna ring up at the register and walk out of the store with a rug the size of my entire apartment?

Kevork Djansezian / Getty Images

Break station used by desperate shoppers who require rest amidst havoc.

40. What am I supposed to do with these fake berries? I’m just supposed to fill up a bowl with fake berries and put them out on my table and expect my houseguests to just walk in and say, “Oh, look, berries. That’s so cute. That is so cute that you have berries in a bowl. Can I have some?” And I have to look them in the face — my loved ones, my friends, the people who depend on me for nourishment and happiness — and tell them that the berries are fake, that everything they thought they knew about me was a lie.

41. Why isn’t there just one kind of sponge?

42. How big do you think my closet is? How many things do you think I can possibly fit in one closet?

43. Why aren’t all irons the same?

44. Why are there, like, 70 different types of vacuums when all I want is for all of them to do the same thing?

45. How am I supposed to hang this mirror when it weighs more than me?

46. Why are you always trying to get me to take stuff from one container and put it in another container? Why can’t you let me be happy for just one second without having to take something out of one thing and put it in another thing?

47. Why do my guests need different towels than I do? Can you stop telling people that my towels aren’t good enough?

48. Why can’t we both just look the other way and you give me 20 percent off even though I forgot my coupon at home?

49. Literally why is there always someone in my way at your store? Why does being in Bed Bath & Beyond encourage every single person to behave like they just got hit by a goddamn water balloon in the fat face, and all they do is stand around, staring at the cheese graters, while I languish waiting behind them?

50. Why am I still at Bed Bath & Beyond?

51. Last of all, how dare you?

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