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A Totally Scientific Ranking Of 24 Male Athletes Turned Underwear Models

Ranked according to the very scientific method known as “my opinion,” which has proven to be always correct.

24. English Soccer Player David Beckham

Armani

H&M

 

OK, I WOULD have ranked David higher. I wanted to, I really did. But look at his H&M bulge. Why is it square, David? What are you hiding in there? Is that a book? Are you keeping a book down there for reading? WHY IS IT SO LOW AND HORIZONTAL, THAT IS WHAT I AM ASKING.

23. English Rugby Player James Haskell

Aussiebum

Calvin Klein

 

I’m all for working out until you’re physically unable to bring your arms together in front of your body. That’s fun. That’s cool. That’s your choice. But we need to find this man some green panties that FIT. Because I’m genuinely worried about the safety of his genitals.

22. Australian Cricketer Mitchell Johnson

Jockey

 

I still don’t know what cricket is, and at this point, I don’t care.

21. New Zealand Rugby Player Daniel Carter

Jockey

 

Why is he so shiny? Is he sweating? Is that natural glow? Where even is New Zealand?

20. German Soccer Player Lukas Podolski

Adidas

 

I’m not saying I wouldn’t hang out with Lukas in a locker room for as long as he wanted. But I AM saying that this is a lame pair of underwear. Would you wear these to a party? No. You’d wear these to a funeral. This is the underwear you would wear to dump someone, you monster.

19. Australian Swimmer Eamon Sullivan

Davenport

 

I support Eamon’s willingness to explore tight, brightly colored underwear. Follow your tight undie dreams, Eamon. I’m right behind you.

18. NFL Quarterback Cam Newton

Under Armour

This is the modern-day version of a chastity belt. Please pray for Cam, who got into these Under Armour BoxerJocks in 1990 and has never returned.

17. Spanish Tennis Player Fernando Verdasco

Calvin Klein

 

From what I can see, Fernando can play tennis pretty well. This is my only critique.

16. Australian Olympic Swimmer James Magnussen

Barking Mad

 

At this point, I just assume nobody in Australia ever wears clothes. They just fashion various undergarments from tablecloths and drapes and bedsheets, and that’s how they live. Just walking around, mostly naked and beautiful, wearing underwear made of tablecloths and drapes and bedsheets.

15. Serbian Tennis Player Janko Tipsarevic

Extreme Intimo

 

I support your right to beat up things in your underwear and stand around looking sweaty. This is why sports exist.

14. Australian Olympic Diver Matthew Mitcham

Funky Trunks

 

Matthew Mitcham could murder a baby in front of me, and as long as he was wearing these, I would be like, “OK, sure, he probably deserved it.”

13. Australian Olympic Swimmer Christian Sprenger

Hottie

 

Starting to think Olympic swimmers are legally obligated to also model tiny man undergarments.

12. Spanish Soccer Player Javi Martinez

Soy Underwear

 

Javi has that look like he woke up this morning and forgot he had an underwear shoot today and he rushed to the studio and took off his clothes and this is what he looked like, just beautiful and perfect and I want to punch him in his face.

11. Spanish Soccer Player Alberto de la Bella

Dirk Bikkemberg

 

Alberto clearly knows what it takes to become an accomplished underwear model. Slowly take off all your clothes — EXCEPT YOUR WHITE SOCKS — and then surround yourself with a bunch of other equally naked men. Collect paycheck. Receive fame.

10. Australian Rugby Player Sandor Earl

Teamm8

 

First of all, his name is Sandor. Second of all, he’s selected the perfect pair of underwear to show off his greatest asset…that beautiful star tattoo.

9. Japanese Soccer Player Hidetoshi Nakata

Calvin Klein

 

I’ll ignore the fact that Hidetoshi looks like he’s stuck in that T-shirt in favor of his flawless ab game.

8. The Entire French Olympic Swimming Team

Top Photo / Startraksphoto.com

OK, sure, there’s eight of them and only one of everybody else. Except this isn’t even an ad. They just happened to show up at this pier, nearly naked, and took this picture. So, that’s good.

7. Spanish Tennis Player Rafael Nadal

Armani

 

Look at the intensity in Nadal’s eyes. He’s really playing this role. He’s like, “Oh, god. I forgot my clothes at home again. I guess I’ll just grab my head and lean against this metal thing and ponder.”

Good. Good modeling.

6. Australian Rugby Player Nick Youngquest

Baskit Underwear

 

I like to think this is how Nick shows up to work. Just puts on his running shoes, grabs a ball and goes.

5. Australian Rugby Player David Williams

Calvin Klein

 

Full disclosure: This is actually a calendar shoot and not at all an underwear ad. But, I mean. It might as well be.

4. English Rugby Player Alexander Cheesman

Aussiebum

 

Also a calendar shoot. Also doesn’t matter. Also he’s English. Imagine this man talking to you in an English accent. IMAGINE HIM TALKING TO YOU AT ALL.

3. Swedish Soccer Player Fredrik Ljungberg

Calvin Klein

 

Sure, Fredrik is No. 3 on this list. But he’s actually only average hot in Sweden. So, like, this is out of pity, really.

2. Portuguese Soccer Player Cristiano Ronaldo

Armani

 

Cristiano has actually never worn clothes in his life. This is how he lives. This is how he survives.

1. Scottish Rugby Player Thom Evans

 

Thom Evans is the first person who greets you when you die and go to heaven. He’s there, dressed only in this underwear. He hands you a warm towel and a chocolate bar and he lets you touch his stomach, but only once. And that’s it. That’s what happens when you get to heaven.

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