5 Things We Definitely Know About The Impending Apocalypse

Everyone from scholars to raving lunatics has been predicting for centuries how the whole “apocalypse thing” will go down. Here are five facts we know thus far. Keep these facts in mind before the swiftly approaching apocalypse, when they will most likely become vital.

1. There Will Be Bugs

While everyone knows that cockroaches will surely survive a nuclear war and any number of potential, world-ending scenarios, most people don’t know just how many other, non-cockroach insects are set to make it big after the collapse of human civilization.

2. Twinkies Will Not Sustain You

Forget what you heard. When there’s nothing left, even Twinkies won’t last—though you might’ve been led to believe that even nuclear radiation can’t penetrate these hallowed pastries, Hostess insists their shelf life is a mere 25 days. Which means you better get used to eating those bugs we already mentioned.

3. Everything Will Get All Mutated

Back in 1956, there was a study that found people who lived on a nuclear test site in Kazakhstan were eight times more likely to develop genetic mutations, and their children’s genetic mutation risk increased five times as well. Chances are—in the event of any kind of apocalyptic scenario—nukes are gonna be thrown down. So, even if you live, your shit’s gonna get fucked up.

4. The Jehovah’s Witnesses Are Almost Certainly Wrong

Despite speaking the most authoritatively, Jehovah’s Witnesses have been wrong the most times about when the apocalypse will take place, and what will happen. The Watchtower Bible and Tract Society has predicted it in 1874, 1878, 1881, 1910, 1914, 1915, 1918, 1925, 1932, 1941, 1975, 1994, and 2004. That’s thirteen incorrect predictions. So we definitely know that whatever they say this year, it’s gonna be wrong.

*Prince is a Jehovah’s Witness.

5. We Will Have to Fight to Survive

Regardless of the many different ways we might end up at the apocalypse, it isn’t going to be pretty. Particularly if we have to contend with a hostile alien invasion rather than an overabundance of bugs and a Twinkie shortage. Most believe that an invasion is likeliest to take place on March 6, when we will have to be prepared for the worst—that is, that we will have to fight to take back Earth.

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