1. You are either Jewish or might as well be, since you know every Jewish holiday and the history behind it. This might as well be the admissions process:
2. Yet, you get defensive when someone calls it “That Jewish School.” Since it isn’t. It was only named after the first Jewish Supreme Court Justice. And has a Hebrew motto. But it’s nonsectarian. OK? Got it?
You also may or may not have added some Hebrew or Yiddish to your vocabulary upon arriving at Brandeis.
3. You know what shomer negiah means.
4. You also know that being sexiled is possible even when your roommate is shomer negiah.
Awkward unresolved sexual tension? No thanks. I’ll leave you two.
5. You still don’t really know what social justice means, but you talk about how Brandeis is all about it anyway.
6. You have learned not to ask questions about weird things you see.
Otherwise you would be asking yourself those questions at least four times a day.
7. You have waited in line for Pachanga or Liquid Latex.
Or camped out and got to the box office two hours early to avoid waiting.
8. The Quidditch team is more well known than our undefeated football team.
And not football, clearly. We have our priorities straight.
9. As a pre-frosh, the castle was your dream place to live.
After about a month, you changed your mind because you discovered the rooms in there aren’t exactly made for royalty.
10. You NEVER went to Ollie’s while inebriated…
In fact, you DEFINITELY did not gain your freshman 15 in Ollie’s waffle fries…
11. When you return to campus for a reunion, it still looks exactly the same as it did when you graduated.
12. You have to be an activist for something.
There is no middle ground as far as opinions go, either.
13. College Republican meetings looked a bit like this:
If you were conservative, your friends tried to convert you.
14. BranVan is always on time and efficient.
Just like the T.
15. You know how to pronounce “Waltham.”
And you have had to correct just about every family member who asks where Brandeis is. It’s Wal-THAHM as in “ran.” Not Wal-THUM.
16. Going to Boston was the most inconvenient thing ever, even though there was a free shuttle (on select days, of course) and it’s only a few miles away.
And let’s face it, the commuter rail is not exactly the quickest method of transportation.
17. You are socially awkward.
18. You are super proud that the co-creators of Friends went to Brandeis.
That’s pretty much the only thing about Brandeis that you brag about, actually.
19. You didn’t know there was a cheer squad.
We wish we were as good as Will Ferrell and Cheri Oteri.
20. Rabb Steps helped you to lose about 15 lbs. But you dreaded walking up them 3 times a day because you were a Humanities student. You would rather just be doing this:
21. You know never to start talking about Israel, because things can get pretty heated.
Seriously, I once witnessed someone throw a banana across the dining hall because of another student’s opinions on Palestine.
22. You pay a ridiculous amount for tuition, yet your pipes still wake you up at 4 a.m.
23. You really know how to party.
24. Not actually, though.
25. It is pronounced Brandeis (BRAN-DICE) not Brandies (BRAN-DEEZ).
These are brandies.
26. Sherman Dining Hall always had a quality meal prepared.
27. Admit it: You took meals from the kosher side even though you weren’t on a kosher meal plan because the food was better.
And you were probably given dirty looks. Especially if you were too lazy to use a tray.
28. No matter what the sign says, it’s called the C-Store.
You also just sound ridiculous calling it the Provisions on Demand Market anyway.
29. You have seen this video. Your friends also reference it incessantly and someone asks if you’ve seen it about twice a month.
30. As awkward as your friends are, you don’t want to say goodbye.
Because, let’s face it, you went to the most awesome school ever.