Open Letter to In-N-Out Burger: Dear In-N-Out Burger, Why in God’s name do you not have locations in Columbus, Ohio. I realize you’re a West-Coast burger chain, but if you, as the Portugese did so many years ago, ventured forth unto new lands, you would find waiting for you there an endless bounty of wealth the likes of which you have never seen. You might think to yourselves “But don’t Wendy’s, Burger King, McDonald’s, Sonic and Rally’s have a stranglehold on that market?” The answer is straightforward: Yes, there are a lot of all those restaurants here…but have you SEEN the Mid-West? These people like to eat, man. Granted, proportionately, you wouldn’t have the biggest slice of the pie right away, but let me tell you…It’s a pretty huge f%#ing pie…with a slice of American Cheese on top of it (We do that in Ohio. We put F#%ING CHEESE ON TOP OF APPLE PIE!) I’ve seen your signature spread. It’s clearly mayonaise-based, and we’re down with that. Animal Fries? Oh yeah, we’re down with that, as well. All the wonderful things that make your restaurants great; totally on board—even Protein Style. I’ll make it easy for ya. I work in marketing. Here’s your campaign, right here: “In-N-Out Burger. We’re here now.” Done. Just that and a picture of the burger—and not the dolled-up, staged, food picture of burgers so often used in commercials—just one straight out of the paper wrapper. Hell, leave it in the wrapper. It won’t matter. We’ll stand up, right there, and drive to the nearest location. I should point out as well that this isn’t asking you to appeal to general obesity. The people here are just big-ass people. I’m 6’3” 210lbs, and I’m not even a particularly big guy for the local standard. Solid-ass, German, cornfed stock, forged from kick-ass and grit, determined to consume. We need your fuel for farming and lifting rocks and playing football and working in the blazing sun and the depths of snow. Years from now, when you’re driving around in Bugatti Veyrons and sipping fine wines no one has ever heard of, I like to think you’ll look back on the day when you received this correspondence from a relatively unknown magazine writer and comedian from Columbus and pause….a slight moment of respect paid to the one that brought your attention to the veritable El Dorado of consumers we’re sitting on here. Just glad to do my part. Sincerely, Mark J. Lucas
Some shitkicker from nowhere.