1. You knew better than to interrupt while she was watching her telenovelas.
Those things were sacred.
2. She introduced you to your “cousins” every couple of years.
They just kept coming! You’re not totally sure how you’re related to these people, but they’re probably your cousin.
3. There was nothing unusual about her cliantro obsession.
It grew EVERYWHERE and on EVERY window sill.
4. This was every meal.
If there weren’t rice and beans… did you even eat?
5. And some kind of meat (almost always pollo frito).
You didn’t even think about becoming a vegetarian.
6. And usually this.
There is literally no way a member of your extended family didn’t own a plantain tree.
7. Mofongo was its own food group.
THE BEST FOOD GROUP.
8. But nothing beat her homemade arepas.
They were just better than every other food, you know?
9. Basically every meal included at least one Goya product.
Nothing wrong with consistency…especially when it’s delicious!
10. She let you know when you put on weight…and then tried to make it sound cute.
“Gordita” is not an endearing term.
11. This was the greatest medical marvel in the history of science:
And it could cure all that ailed you.
12. And when your friends came over for dinner, you told them to fast in preparation.
Because there was no way your mom was going to let them leave before cleaning their plates.
13. She did (and possibly still does) have a massive crush on Ricky Martin.
Livin’ la vida loca, am I right?
14. She didn’t yell, that’s just the way she talks.
You didn’t dare tell her otherwise.
15. Which meant that when she had an opinion, you were going to hear it.
Always loud and proud.
16. In addition to Christmas, your mom made sure you celebrated Three Kings Day.
And on Jan. 5, you’d leave grass out for the camels. All of the holidays!
17. She was always cold, and therefore thought you were freezing all the time too.
“It’s 70 degrees, I DON’T NEED A JACKET, MOM.”
18. Tattoos would bring shame to your family and you couldn’t have them.
19. Unless it’s sensible and representative of your Catholic faith.
20. Your mom would often manipulate historical facts to make them about Puerto Rico.
“Christopher Columbus didn’t really discover America, he discovered Puerto Rico.”
21. If you didn’t call her for three days, she’d file a missing persons report.
Seriously, you MUST call you mom.
22. And when you did call her, the two topics of conversation were 1) Why haven’t you called your abuelita? and 2) What are you doing with your life?
Shockingly, “I’m doing me, mom,” was never the correct answer.
23. When you were a child, your mom threatened you with “El Coco.”
That made you straighten up.
24. She called all your white friends “gringos” and “gringas,” leaving you to explain that it’s not racist, it’s a term of endearment.
It’s a cute thing, guys! Really! Trust me.
25. Your friends were confused when your mom would refer to them (and you!) as “mami.”
“Did your mom just call me mommy?”
26. She would constantly ask when you’re going to get married and why you don’t already have a significant other.
“¡Yo no sé cómo tu pretendes casarte! Porque a los hombres no les gusta los regueros!”
27. And if you were in a relationship, she reminded you that you MUST get married in Puerto Rico.
You must be joking.
28. Then she’d ask, “When are you going to have children?”
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