The Definitive Ranking Of Every Member Of One Direction

This Is Us: In ascending order.

13. Louis Tomlinson

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I know the Larry shippers will come after me, but it’s time to wake up and smell the dead weight: Louis sucks. His rumored (and thoroughly catalogued) flirtation with the Mayor of Munchkinland (#1 on this list) is the only reason any of us put up with his attention-grubbing and uninvited ball-tapping. Yeah, sure, he’s a solid real-world 7.5 (8 in the gay community)—but this ain’t the real world, kids. This is a post-X-Factor dystopia.

12. Liam Payne

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In the right light, he does look like a 12-year-old David Beckham. And supposedly he has the best voice. But what does this look like, a singing competition? Where's the personality?? We all know he and Louis are the throwaways of 1D. Though I do have some sympathy for sweet Liam since his arm was tragically run over by a car.

11. Lil' Romeo

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It's so nice to see Lil' Romeo step out of the shadow of his father, Master P, who you've never heard of but think might be important. Yeah, LR contributes some nice hip hop flavor to the album, but I feel like we never even see him with the rest of the group? Like, do they even get along? Though he does get some extra points for bringing some much-needed diversity to the gang (and don’t even try to make that same case for Zayn. We all know he’s just tan.).

10. Frankie Jonas

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I can’t believe 1D snagged the most important Jonas hot off the media wave he's been riding since Ponyo. It’s super awkward how he broke up the JoBros by leaving, but Nick at least is doing fine. And I’m pretty sure Kevin (the other-other-Jonas) has like, 8 kids and owns a barber shop or something. He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named Jonas has broken too many of the crew’s hearts for any self-respecting female pop star fan to even care where he is right now. Overall, love the youthful energy Frankie brings. And the fact that he isn’t any of those other schmucks.

9. Tony Danza

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Who’s the boss? Alyssa Milano. So when she said “hey, give my TV dad a singing career,” directioners said “I don’t get this reference!” but he slipped in anyway. I have to say, I was skeptical when Mr. Danza (as he prefers to be called) first joined. Acting AND singing? We can’t all be Leighton Meester, Tony. But nope, his smooth alto tone compliments Frankie’s pre-pubescent soprano nicely, and he’s by far the best dancer. Hold me closer, Tony Danza.

8. Zayn Malik

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You and I both know that Zayn is a dick. His sham engagement (direct quote from what I think I heard on an episode of Ellen that I only kind of remember: “We’re engaged. But we’re not planning a wedding or anything.”) is nothing short of devastating to anyone who has ever sort of known who Perrie Edwards was from a website that tells you where to buy knockoffs of trashy British celebrity clothing. Yeah, sure, his cheekbones could cut glass. So could a blowtorch, but we don't put those on a private jet. Get outta here, Zayn.

7. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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I love ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. He’s always playing pranks, has such a cute relationship with his mother, is the only member of 1D that Pharrell will still collaborate with, and is BY FAR the best singer. I heard he's even working on a men's streetwear interactive meta selfie performance art line of hats with Kanye called "#hashtag". We should all be shipping ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ and Harry hard. H¯\_(ツ)_/¯ for life!!!!!

6. My Uncle Ron

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What can I say? The guy’s got moves. He’s also the only member of 1D that rent a car in any continental US state. And on top of that, he can grow a mustache. We prefer that he doesn’t, but he can, and that’s important. Team Uncle Ron!!

5. Dave Franco

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Let big brother James be a lesson: all it takes is one pedo mustache (and like, trying to commit statutory rape via Instagram) to get bumped out of the age group to be appropriately cast alongside Seth Rogen. Dave is definitely the bad boy of 1D. He even has a cool nickname: Dave.

4. Jacob from Twilight

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Hope you brought your Charizard, cuz we’re entering the Elite 4. You may also know this guy as Gale from the Hunger Games or some minor love interest who died early on in the Divergent series. Let's be real: Jacob isn't a great singer or a great dancer. I don't even really agree with him on an ideological level? TBH, I don't know anything about him. Dat body doe.

3. Niall Horan

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As the token blonde guy AND the token Irish guy, Niall is worth twice as much as most of these slackers. Also IDK if you ever saw One Direction: This Is Us (major Oscar snub, don’t wanna talk about it), but Niall dresses up as a security guard and talks to fans and it’s pretty much the most terrifying and humanizing part of their entire careers and basically the only reason any of us believe 1D isn’t just a line of holograms produced as a collaboration between Simon Cowell and Fisher-Price. And damnit, if Ed Sheeran can forgive Niall for hooking up with a crumpled old Delia*s catalog (Ellie Goulding), then so can I.

2. Samwise Gamgee

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I think I speak for everyone when I say I was blown. away. by Sam’s audition where he performed his original track, “Poh-Tay-Toes.” He boiled it, he mashed it, he stuck it in a goddamn stew. Not only is he an incredible artist, but he’s also an incredible friend. He will always share his Lembas bread with you, even though he’s kind of a chunk and you know he really really wants to eat it himself.

1. Harry Styles

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We all knew where this was going. If you really need an explanation, just watch one of the many videos of Harry flirting with little old ladies. If you still don't get it, I'll say it: You're a monster. Begone.

No seriously, go.