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31 Perfect Valentines For Unromantic People

Valentines-shmalentines — wanna bang?

1. For the Valentine who makes you want to vomit less than most other people do.

2. For the Valentine you want to play paleontologist with.

3. For the Valentine you're stuck with.

4. For the Valentine you love in spite of all their many flaws.

5. For the Valentine who also happens to be your loofah.

6. For the Valentine who's currently wearing too many articles of clothing.

7. For the Valentine you'd pull a Ross for.

8. For when you want to cut to the chase as far as this whole Valentine card thing goes.

9. For a Valentine who appreciates fine poetry.

10. For a Valentine who deserves a dozen roses.

11. For when your Valentine needs a meal plan.

12. For the Valentine you'd never use a Patronus Charm against.

13. For the Valentine you adore ("Darth breathing" and all).

14. For a Valentine who makes you all moony.

15. For the Valentine who makes you sing Baby Bash.

16. For your rock.

17. For the Valentine who loves you at your best and at your worst.

18. For the Valentine who could actually make a stove pipe hat look hot.

19. For when your love can only be measured using the Kardashian system.

20. For a Valentine with an exceptional _______.

21. For a Valentine who makes you carnivorous.

22. For the Cheryl to your Larry.

23. For the Valentine you'd get out the razor for.

24. For the Valentine whose booty you crave.

25. For a Valentine who doesn't expect eloquence.

26. For a Valentine who could be displayed at a butcher shop.

27. For a Valentine in need of some instruction.

28. For a Valentine who would never judge.

29. For the Valentine who can make you speak Parseltongue.

30. For the Valentine you'd know even if they had their face surgically removed.

31. For the Valentine you can't escape from.

Here's hoping you spend Valentine's Day with someone who hates all the mushy bullshit as much as you do.

May true romance reign.