San Francisco 49ers
2. Robert Baratheon = Justin Smith
How They’re Alike: Based on the gut alone, Tony Siragusa would have been an absolute shoe-in for this distinction if he were still active. As it is, Smith gets the honor since he’s the remaining player most likely to be wielding a war hammer in battle.
3. Khal Drogo = Vernon Davis
How They’re Alike: Imposing physical specimens with long hair (albeit formerly in Davis’ case) and incredible athletic feats to their name. Drogo never lost a fight, while Davis ran a 4.38 40-yard dash at the 2006 NFL combine. Although Drogo seems like too much of an emotionless tough guy to sob like a baby after an accomplishment, as Davis did after his game-winning score vs. the Saints.
4. Petyr Baelish = Jim Harbaugh
How They’re Alike: No, I am not starting a vicious rumor that Harbaugh owns several brothels. Yet like Lord Baelish (better known as Littlefinger), he has won his share of admirers with a mixture of cunning and willingness to do whatever it takes. Consider it his way of overcoming those with “quick tempers and slow minds” (see Schwartz, Jim).
New York Giants
6. Gregor Clegane = Justin Tuck
How They’re Alike: Both of these men are monstrous and terrifying. Of course, PETA would be all over the Mountain of the Giants’ defensive line if, out of frustration, he severed the head of a horse with a single blow. But is there any doubt that he’s physically capable of doing that?
7. Loras Tyrell = Eli Manning
How They’re Alike: Neither “Knight of the Flowers” nor “Peyton Manning’s goofy-looking younger brother” is an impressive-sounding descriptor. Yet both men are gifted at their crafts because they work extremely hard at it, thus allowing them to score upset wins over the likes of the Mountain (in Tyrell’s case) and the 2007 Patriots (in Manning’s case).
8. Tywin Lannister = Archie Manning
How They’re Alike: Patriarchs of the most powerful families in the Seven Kingdoms and the NFL, respectively. Wouldn’t it be awesome if Manning also motivated his sons by gutting an elk while reminding them of their inherent superiority?