The Definitive Ranking Of Hair Metal Hair

Glam on.

This extremely scientific ranking is based on: hair volume, amount of hairspray used (flammability), and overall band participation.

36. Judas Priest

Columbia Records

Volume: 2
Flammability: 2
Band Participation: 3
Score: 5

At least pretend that you give a shit, Rob.

35. Deep Purple

PolyGram Records

Volume: 4
Flammability: 2
Band Participation: 3
Score: 8

Plus one for the handlebar mustache.

34. Night Ranger

MCA Records

Volume: 3.5
Flammability: 2.5
Band Participation: 2.5
Score: 8.5

This looks much more “pensive poet” than “metal.”

33. Van Halen

Warner Bros. Records

Volume: 4
Flammability: 3
Band Participation: 2
Score: 9

There is so much unused potential here. Had the hair been slightly bigger and grittier, they could have easily earned a spot in the Top 20.

32. Def Leppard

Vertigo Records

Volume: 3
Flammability: 2
Band Participation: 4.5
Score: 9.5

Remember Leave It To Beaver? Even The Beav had more flair than these guys.

31. Extreme

A&M

Volume: 3
Flammability: 3
Band Participation: 4
Score: 10

They’ve got the Hot Cops thing down, but that poor excuse of a mullet hurts the overall sex appeal.

30. Skid Row

Atlantic Records

Volume: 3
Flammability: 3
Band Participation: 5
Score: 11

The look is much more surfer chic than it is badass. Negative points for being too pretty.

29. Scorpions

The Island Def Jam Music Group

Volume: 3
Flammability: 4.5
Band Participation: 4
Score: 11.5

Looks like they were rocked by a weak sandstorm, at best.

28. Y & T

Geffen Records

Volume: 5
Flammability: 3
Band Participation: 5
Score: 13

A bad perm with no styling is just a bad perm.

27. Pantera

Metal Magic Records

Volume: 5.5
Flammability: 3
Band Participation: 5
Score: 13.5

Vinnie Paul looks as uncomfortable as I feel looking at him.

26. Danger Danger

Epic Records

Volume: 4.5
Flammability: 4
Band Participation: 6
Score: 14.5

This picture could easily be mistaken for an ’80s tampon ad.

25. Steelheart

MCA Records

Volume: 6
Flammability: 4
Band Participation: 5
Score: 15

Their hair just doesn’t suggest that their hearts are made of steel. It’s more Nicole Kidman circa 1983.

24. Europe

Epic Records

Volume: 6
Flammability: 4
Band Participation: 6
Score: 16

Broken wings are no issue when you have hair that can serve as a parachute.

23. TNT

PolyGram

Volume: 5
Flammability: 5.5
Band Participation: 6
Score: 16.5

Crimps, perms, and a wig made of worms.

22. Guns N’ Roses

Geffen Records

Volume: 5
Style Variety: 5
Band Participation: 7
Score: 17.5

Plus one for the iconic top hat.

21. Helix

Capitol Records

Volume: 6
Flammability: 5.5
Band Participation: 7
Score: 18.5

Plus one for the grandma mullet.

20. Bon Jovi

Mercury Records

Volume: 6
Flammability: 6
Band Participation: 7
Score: 19

This is what One Direction would have looked like in the ’80s.

19. Winger

Atlantic Records

Volume: 7.5
Flammability: 6
Band Participation: 7
Score: 20.5

This is what it looks like when you blow dry a poodle.

18. Great White

Enigma Records

Volume: 7
Flammability: 7
Band Participation: 7
Score: 21

Their hair is almost worse than the buzzing noise in the game “Operation.” Almost.

17. Autograph

Cleopatra Records

Volume: 7
Flammability: 6.5
Band Participation: 8
Score: 21.5

This is the scariest life-sized Raggedy Ann doll collection.

16. Vixen

EMI

Volume: 7
Flammability: 7
Band Participation: 8
Score: 22

Because, girl power.

15. KISS

Casablanca Records

Volume: 6
Flammability: 7
Band Participation: 10
Score: 23

If they didn’t have the hair, they’d be just another group sticking out their tongues and caking on their makeup (read: Miley).

14. Whitesnake

EMI / Geffen Records

Volume: 8.5
Flammability: 7
Band Participation: 9
Score: 23.5

There should be a support group for people scarred by their mothers dancing to Whitesnake.

13. Stryper

Enigma Records

Volume: 8
Flammability: 8
Band Participation: 8
Score: 24

First, Christian glam rock was apparently a thing. Second, they have better hair than KISS. Lord have mercy.

12. Mötley Crüe

Elektra Records

Volume: 8
Flammability: 8.5
Band Participation: 8
Score: 24.5

Smoldering.

11. Dokken

Elektra Records

Volume: 9
Flammability: 6
Band Participation: 9
Score: 25

Enough curls to make Shirley Temple jealous.

10. Lizzy Borden

Metal Blade Records

Volume: 9
Flammability: 8
Band Participation: 9
Score: 26

Lizzy Borden took an ax and gave their curls 40 whacks,
It’s too bad they stopped the fun, they could have been No. 1.

9. RATT

Atlantic Records

Volume: 9
Flammability: 8.5
Band Participation: 9
Score: 26.5

So dirty. So good.

8. Cinderella

Mercury Records

Volume: 9
Flammability: 9
Band Participation: 9
Score: 27

The hair only gets bigger once the clock strikes midnight.

7. W.A.S.P.

Capitol Records / Snapper Classics

Volume: 9
Flammability: 9.25
Band Participation: 9
Score: 27.25

Frankenstein’s wife would have been proud.

6. Poison

Enigma Records

Volume: 9
Flammability: 9.5
Band Participation: 9
Score: 27.5

Kings of the “selfie” way before Instagram.

5. Wrathchild

Heavy Metal Records

Volume: 9
Flammability: 10
Band Participation: 9
Score: 28

This hair is attached to the scariest looking dudes on the list. They look like the kind of guys who lived in their mothers’ basements.

4. Vain

Island Records

Volume: 9.75
Flammability: 9.5
Band Participation: 9
Score: 28.25

If Ariel were in a glam metal band, she would be in Vain.

3. Tigertailz

Combat Records

Volume: 10
Flammability: 9.25
Band Participation: 10
Score: 29.25

Black and pink, just like your middle school wardrobe.

2. Twisted Sister

Secret Records

Volume: 9.5
Flammability: 10
Band Participation: 10
Score: 29.5

Like clowns, but more terrifying.

1. Pretty Boy Floyd

MCA

Volume: 10
Flammability: 10
Band Participation: 10
Score: 30

This is the hair to rule them all.

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