41 Unwritten Rules All New Yorkers Know To Be True

If you can make it there you can make it… oh SHUT UP! I’m trying to sleep here.

1. You won’t be able to find a cab when you need one but they’ll be everywhere when you don’t.

2. It won’t rain when you’re wearing rain boots but will pour when you’re not at all prepared.

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3. Your friend will plan their birthday party as far away from your apartment as possible.

4. You will be late to something because you are stuck behind tourists.

5. You will complain about how slow they move.

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6. But then get distracted while texting and walk even slower than them.

7. You will smell something gross and then worry for the rest of your walk that it is you.

8. It won’t be. It’ll just be New York.

9. You will want to play with every dog you meet.

10. The snacks you get at the movies will cost as much as your ticket.

11. You’ll use a vacation day to spend the day in your apartment waiting for Time Warner.

12. You will meet a total douche.

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13. You’ll end up dating them anyway.

14. You’ll get stuck on a subway car with a performer that you will then ignore.

15. You’ll wake up early to go to a museum and then fall back asleep until 1pm.

16. The farmers market will always seem like a good idea, but you’ll shop at the bodega anyway.

17. You will get too drunk at brunch and not be able to go out at night.

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18. You’ll stare at someone cute on the subway and imagine an entire life together.

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19. Then they’ll notice you and you’ll basically die of embarrassment.

20. You will run into the one person you don’t want to see when you least expect it.

21. It will probably be your ex.

22. With their new significant other.

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23. And their dog.

24. You’ll think it’s time to sign up for an online dating site.

25. You’ll realize it’s NEVER time to sign up for an online dating site.

26. You’ll pass a restaurant that has a B or below health rating and think I’d literally never go there.

27. You’ll get drunk and go there.

28. You’ll want to vomit when you see your rent check but also won’t be able to look away from it.

29. You will put off going to the doctor because you won’t have time to take the whole afternoon off to go.

30. You will complain about calorie counts listed in restaurants but still eat there anyway.

31. You will grab a cab thinking it’ll be faster than the subway but get stuck in traffic going uptown.

32. And by the time you get out you’ll feel sick.

33. You will get stuck listening to a couple break up in public.

34. You won’t be able to help but listen.

35. You will choose a side.

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36. Your jacket pockets will be filled with subway cards.

37. Your bag will be filled with a ton of loose change because you always use your credit card to pay.

38. You will become overwhelmed.

39. You will wonder if you should leave.

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40. But then you’ll look up at the Empire State Building and realize you shouldn’t.

41. Then you’ll step in a puddle of rainwater and piss.

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