1. Partake in “National Cheat Days”, ‘cause letting loose and eating junk food is OK.
2. Follow that with post-binge recovery seminars.
Hey, it’s a start.
3. Then go to Ben Stiller-led aerobics classes.
4. GDP on the downturn? No lunch for America.
At least not fast food.
5. Participate in outdoor activities that are so fun, you don’t even realize you exercised.
You’re always eligible for guilt-free pizza after an afternoon on The Blob.
6. Keep America on its toes with an assortment of booby-traps.
Living in a constant state of fear burns more calories than you’d think. And it’s still more fun than keto.
7. Subsitute meals for ideals.
“With skim milk.”
8. Engage in free boxing lessons that are run by George Bluth, Sr.
Bring back that glorious mustache, dad.
9. Divert funding from the War on Drugs, in favor of a War on Pez.
“My man’s PACKIN’.”
10. Forcibly remove extremely fit people from gyms for an hour each day, during which time the rest of us can go work out while hating ourselves less.
This is how you make me feel inside.
11. And if you want dairy, from now on you’re processing it yourself.
12. Make less popular Olympic sports “hip” with the young people.
Start by adding a belly flop division to competitive diving.
13. Don’t be afraid to try CrossFit.
14. Encourage the formerly obese to inspire future success stories.
15. Join a community of supporters to help follow-through on your healthy resolutions.
Reddit’s r/loseit/ is a great place to start.
16. Combine two sports into one, doubling metabolic output.
Turn an everyday nature hike into a sweaty weight room.