Why 2013 Was A Truly Terrifying Year For Mary-Kate Olsen

May you grow six inches in 2014.

1. This year was a scary year because Mary-Kate Olsen continued a relationship with a man 68 X her size, putting her tiny frame at risk of being crushed at any moment.

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2. Mary-Kate (yes, she’s in this pic) was in grave danger of accidentally being stepped on many times throughout 2013.

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3. Or being pushed down into the ground like a shell into the sand.

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4. Fact: She’s 5’2” and he’s 12’7” (a hazardous difference!).

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5. While it may seem he is “kissing” her, the sheer force of his gigantic body on hers could possibly make her crumble to the ground like a house of cards.

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7. Scared for her head.

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9. And now he is using his giant powers to literally suck the life out of her.

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10. We prayed for her. And for her furry being.

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11. And it wasn’t just his X-TREME size that could possibly endanger her, but witness how he farts in her face:

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12. And then pulls her in close to smell it.

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13. This year he also tried to use his giant airhole to blow her over. AND WE SHOULD BE THANKFUL SHE DIDN’T FALL.

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14. BE SAFE, MK. We are here for you.

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