Look at you, you beautiful creamy thing, you. You know what you would look great wrapped in? A puff pastry that’s been toasted in the oven. On the inside you are warming and forming into melted perfection. You are a star.
You got: Cheddar
You are just like a a chainsaw, the SHARPEST tool in the shed. You have brains and brawn. Look how handsome you are in your block form. You are so cheddar you are making cheddar with all your cheddarness.
You got: Mozzarella
AH, BELLA! You are so fresh and clean and so wonderfully flexible. Oh you like chicken? GREAT, because you are perfect melted on top of it. Or just wanna stay simple? Excellent, just slice up some tomatoes, add some basil, and call it a day. No one looks better than you do while you are bathing in that liquid you sometimes come in.
You got: String Cheese
You aren’t just a being, you are several beings. You have layers, you are deep, you are HUMAN. (But you are a cheese still.) Don’t forget to wash your hands before you peel away, and please do not BITE — this is string cheese, not bite cheese.
You got: Swiss Cheese
Your beauty is in your holes. All your nooks and crannies are filled with secrets and special talents. You are one of a kind. Don’t let anyone call you a crater face, because your imperfections make you more wonderful than anyone else. Also, believe in your faith — after all, you were made HOLEY.
You got: Gouda
Hello, you cheesy masterpiece. You beautiful circle of goodness. You belong in a cheese museum of perfection. Enjoy your life because people are gonna want to eat you until you are gone.
You got: Easy Cheese
You are gross and come in a can, but people love you anyway. ANYTHING GOES WITH YOU. People don’t even waste time putting you on anything, staright to the mouth you go. Just have fun being in college for the rest of your life.
You got: American Cheese
You are the cheese of the United States and you should be proud. Nothing like slapping you between two slices of white bread and watching you melt. Praise you for your simplicity and adorable packaging.
You got: Blue Cheese
You smell like poop but goddamn people love you for it. KEEP BEING YOU, BLUE.