27 Things You’re Only Afraid Of If You Live In New York

Such a cold, dark, scary world out there.

1. That at any moment you could stumble into one of the many open cellar doors…

2. Or be walking over one of these and have it collapse beneath you.

3. That an AC unit could fall on you at any minute and CRUSH you.

4. Or that you will be walking under scaffolding and it will fall and CRUSH YOU.

5. The possibility of getting kicked in the head by one of these guys.

6. Taking a cab and then looking up to see last month’s paycheck spent.

7. That you could very well fall right onto the subway tracks since they are just there and the yellow line isn’t some kind of invisible shield.

8. This sight when it’s rush hour in the morning and there is a line behind you.

12. The possibility that your identity and life savings have just been stolen because you don’t even know if that was a real ATM you just used.

13. That you could experience the mysterious subway drip landing on you. Or worse…on your FACE.

14. That you might eat at a restaurant only to realize afterward that it didn’t have an “A” grade after all.

15. This whole company. Everything about them.

16. The prospect of running into someone you know on the subway.

17. Having a cockroach scatter past your feet on the street or in a restaurant or come up through your shower drain. Basically just cockroaches in general.

18. And rats. FUCK. I JUST THOUGHT I SAW A RAT.

19. The thought of what the actual ingredients in a street dog are.

20. Cash-only places or delis with credit card minimums.

21. Having one part of your body get stuck in the subway door and the door doesn’t open back up.

22. Accidentally finding yourself in the middle of a flock of pigeons and you are holding A BAGUETTE.

23. The consequences of eating from a bodega buffet bar.

24. Planned service changes. “Planned.” “PLANNED.”

25. Fire escapes that literally lead right to your bedroom window.

26. Being charged more than $2 for a slice of pizza.

27. And agreeing to go to someone’s party and finding out afterward that it’s in a different borough.

Thanks to all my wonderful coworkers who helped me out with this one and admitted their fears.

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