1. Become a really powerful drug dealer
For obvious reasons, no one is going to ever make light of your status as a giant fat mess if you have dozens of young men in your employ who would slit someone’s throat for $17 and a bus pass. In fact most people will probably be too scared to even make eye contact. Probably because they’re dead. A career at the top of your city’s drug trade is basically plastic surgery for your whole shit, only minus all the negative connotations associated with cosmetic augmentation, which is a little bit superficial if you ask me.
2. Be Asian
Everyone knows Asian people have way too much discipline and, like, honorable magic flowing through their bones to ever be fat without choosing it as their own path. Sorry white American people, when it comes to being human-like man-pigs, much like everything else you excel at (blowing shit up, praying, praying for shit to get blown up), it’s just not possible for you to look good while doing it. Unless you…
3. Start a hardcore band
One good way to distract everyone from your pathetic lack of self control and obvious self hatred is by screaming really loud about, I dunno, unity and integrity and how fulfilling blue collar jobs are or whatever hardcore bands sing about now. Look at homeboy in the picture above. You think the kids care what he looks like? Well, yes, but they’re willing to overlook it because one of the main ideals of punk and H/C is having shitty taste in everything. Why not body type too? Fashion tip: XXL hoodie, full sleeves, cargo shorts, a baseball cap and a beard are a pretty unfuckwithable look for dudes who get tired from just going over there from all the way over here.
4. Get into the bear scene
Sounds like kind of a tall order for most straight dudes, but what if I told you that over night you’d go from Doug the Eagles fan who lives alone and loves chicken parm to being Doug the Eagles fan who is literally the hottest piece of ass in the bar? And that being bald, rotund, and having a hairy back were all seen as boner material? And part two, you get to spend two hours at the buffet for every one hour on the bench press? That’s called going from zero dates to all the dates in one quick short cut. Think it over, Doug.
5. Fall down a lot
You know the expression ‘the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach’? Very true, but the way to the world’s heart, is through your own jiggly stomach. Falling down all the time reminds people that, while you may be of a formidable size, you’re really just a clumsy galoot that’s here for everyone else’s amusement. Consider developing a huge coke habit as the next level step in this category. Not because it’s going to do anything for your appearance, it’s just that people really like dudes who can give them free coke all the time.
6. Learn magic
Whether you want to take a job as the supreme being of enlightenment, or just moonlight as a freelance genie, everyone respects, or at least tolerates, a giant fat guy who’s capable of granting them endless mystical blow jobs for their brand new solid good dick, they just wished/prayed for, which are the basic tenets of both Buddhism and the JinnÄ« of Arab folklore unless I’m misunderstanding how this religion stuff works.
7. Be “Scene”
Whether it’s goth, or emo, or electro or what-the-fuck-else, there’s always room for fat people, especially girls, in any specific scene. No one knows why, and it seems counter intuitive in such image-based subcultures, but my theory is that it’s because fat girls invented liking music way too much to the point that it’s kind of pathetic, which is what being scene is all about (besides hating your dad), so they’re sort of grandfathered in through the bylaws. Musical genres are sticklers for rules, you see.
8. Invent a time machine
That’s pretty much my solution to everything, but this time I really think it will work. Up until about the 19th century, when the industrial revolution finally ushered in a brave new world of machines and love handles, it was considered a sign of a high social standing to be a fat fuck. Only rich people could actually afford to eat enough to get fat, you see, and all the poor people spent half their day burning mad carbs via pulling donkey carts around piled high with food to give to their landlord, and the other half of the day not-eating all over the place. This is kind of like the bear thing from above, in that all you’d pretty much have to do here is show up and people would be lining up to kiss your ass.
9. Look like a bombshell pin-up girl from the sixties
This one is the opposite of the time machine one because you’re not bringing yourself back into another time, you’re bringing another time forward into yourself. In order to pull this one off though you’re going to have to exclusively hang around with retro-scenester girls, and dudes who lie about how hot Bettie Page was so they can get a rockabilly hand job.
10. Start a blog
On the internet no one can see you eat the third bowl of ice cream, literally or metaphorically speaking. Having a blog in which you talk shit about everyone else is a great way to distract people from your own shortcomings, whether or not that means a flabby, despicable set of man tits, or just a flabby, despicable man’s soul.