What People Say In Their Twitter Bios, Vs. What They Mean

58 Twitter cliches, decoded.

Twitter / BuzzFeed

1. “Hardcore travel enthusiast” — I went on a gap year.
2. “Unapologetic explorer” — I went camping once.
3. “Thrill-seeker” — I bungee-jumped once.
4. “Adrenaline junkie” — I cycle to work.
5. “Mentor” — I give people advice they didn’t ask for.
6. “Homebody” — I’m really boring and I never go out.
7. “Foodie” — I will tweet Instagram links every time I go out for dinner.
8. “Journalist” — I will tweet nothing but links to my own articles.
9. “Fashionista” — I will tweet a selfie every time I leave the house.
10 “Yoga nerd” — I went to a Bikram class, and fainted.
11. “Fitness fanatic” — I will tweet every time I go for a run, and it will make you feel really bad about yourself, until one day you angrily unfollow me.
12. “Long-suffering fan of [X football team]” — I will tweet weirdly angry things that make no sense you, every match day, forever.
13. “Telly addict” — I will insist on tweeting about The X Factor, even during the really boring early rounds.
14. “Views my own” — I’ve seen other people write this, and believe it sounds cool and professional.
15. “Views my own, not those of my employer” — I want you to notice who my employer is, and be impressed.
16. “Views my own (though someone else said it better first!)” — I am making a self-deprecating joke. But seriously, take a look at who I work for.
17. “All views borrowed” — See how I’m turning the convention on its head? I am adorably wacky.
18. “Gin lover” — I am British.
19. “Tea lover” — I am British, and I want everyone to know it.
20. “Tea obsessed” — Really extremely keen for you to know I am British.
21. “Lover of gin and tea” — I am so bloody British you wouldn’t believe.
22. “Gin obsessed” — I don’t actually drink gin, I just thought this would sound endearing.
23. “Author of…” — Please, please buy my book from Amazon. It’s about to be pulped.
24. “Incurable music geek” — I’ve got a Spotify account.
25. “Proud geek” — I watch The Big Bang Theory.
26. “Ultimate geek” — I know HTML.
27. “#creative” — I don’t know how hashtags work.
28. “#ifollowback” — I am desperate for followers.
29. “#influencer” — I will tweet corporate jargon using a pointless #hashtag #in #front #of #every #word.
30. “Thought leader” — I have tens of thousands of followers, almost all of whom I bought.
31. “Member of Parliament” — I don’t run this account myself, which is just as well because my @replies will be a constant stream of people calling me a cockwomble.
32. “Follow me at instagram.com/corporatedouche” — I don’t understand how Twitter works.
33. “Find me on LinkedIn” — I’m the kind of person who uses words like “synergy” and “solutionize”.
34. “Retweets do not equal endorsements” — I take myself a little too seriously.
35. “This is my work account. Follow my personal account here” — I think I’m important enough to need two Twitter accounts.
36. “Not the real Harry Styles” — I run a painfully unfunny parody account that will fizzle out after about the 20th tweet.
37. “Just trying to get the hang of this Twitter thing” — I am a mum who will write one tweet, give up, and go back to Facebook.
38. “Formerly of…” — I can’t let go of the past. Also, I think Twitter is a CV.
39. “Creator” — I don’t really create anything, I just sit in a lot of meetings.
40. “Loving life” — Nice person. Possibly a bit simple though.
41. “Introvert” — I want you to think I’m soulful and mysterious.
42. “Bookworm” — I want you to think I’m intelligent.
43. “Entrepreneur” — I think I’m Steve Jobs.
44. “Thinker” — I think I’m Alain de Botton.
45. “Troublemaker” — I think I’m Russell Brand.
46. “Problem solver” — I fill in a lot of spreadsheets.
47. “Husband. Dad.” — Well whoop dee do.
48. “Scriptwriter” — Unemployed.
49. “Newspaper columnist” — Professional troll.
50. “Web guru” — Bullshitter.
51. “SEO guru” — Snake oil salesman.
52. “Marketing ninja” — Legitimately awful person.
53. “Ad agency ninja” — I think I’m Don Draper.
54. “Social media fanatic” — I have no skills or interests to speak of.
55. “Social media guru” — Outrageous douchebag.
56. “Social media ninja” — Humungous bellend.
57. “Social media rock star” — Staggering wanker.
58. “Social media Editor” — Charlatan.

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