1. "Hey" - I like to keep things cool and informal.
2. "Hey x" - I am drunk texting you in the hope of eliciting a mildly flirtatious exchange.
3. "Hey xx" - I am stalking you.
4. "Hey xxxxxx" - I am outside your flat right now, watching.
5. "Hey :-)" - I have instant messaged you, and I can see you're online, so ignoring me will be awkward.
6. "Aay" - I am The Fonz.
7. "Hey dude" - I am overly friendly, and there is a serious danger that I will insist you high-five me.
8. "Hi buddy" - I am an American tourist in London, and will shortly ask you for directions to the M&Ms store.
9. "Hello there" - I am devastatingly British, and have at various points in my life seriously considered wearing a monocle.
10. "Why, hello there" - I find you attractive, and am raising my eyebrow in the style of Roger Moore.
11. "Hiya" - I am upbeat, to the point of being slightly camp.
12. "Greetings" - I am ruddy-cheeked and avuncular, and am about to slap you quite hard on the back.
13. "Salutations" - I would like nothing more than to be described as 'jovial'.
14. "Speak" - I am a self-important corporate jerk, and this is how I answer the phone.
15. "Morning!" - I am annoyingly chirpy.
16. "Hullo" - I am an Enid Blyton character.
17. "Ahoy-hoy" - I am Alexander Graham Bell.
18. "Ey up" - I am outrageously Northern.
19. "'Ow do" - I am outrageously West Country.
20. "Alreet pet" - I am outrageously Geordie.
21. "Oi oi!'" - I am a geezer, and will now initiate a loud and obnoxious conversation about tits.
22. "Weeey" - I am drunk, and want you to know I have just attended a football match.
23. "Wotcha" - I am a roguish ducker-and-diver in the style of the Artful Dodger, or possibly Danny Dyer.
24. "What up" - I am a bro.
25. "Wassup" - I think I'm in a Budweiser advert.
26. "What up my n***a" - I am white and said this as a joke and now everyone looks horrified.
27. "Sup" - I think I'm a West Coast hip-hop mogul.
28. "Sup, yo" - I think I'm Jesse Pinkman.
29. "Blud" - I act like a feared member of the criminal underworld, even though I live in Orpington.
30. "A'ight" - I will now attempt to engage you in a complicated fistbump manoeuvre that will end awkwardly for everyone.
31. "Duuuuuuuude" - I am stoned.
32. "Yo yo yo" - I am a douchebag.
33. "Hii!!!!!!!!" - I am a lunatic on the internet.
34. "How r u" - I am a weirdo whose friend request you will ignore.
35. "What r u wearing" - It's 11p.m. on a Friday, and this is my slightly tragic attempt at 'sexting'.
36. "Hey sexy" - Warning – I am about to send you a picture of my genitals.
37. "Dear Sir/Madam, I have been requested by the Nigerian National Petroleum Company to contact you . . ." - I am a scammer who mystifyingly still insists on referencing Nigeria, even though by now every internet user on the planet associates Nigeria with scam emails.
38. "Oh my God you'll never guess what people have been saying about you online" - This is a spam link which you will instinctively click on because you are an idiot. The link will then be forwarded to everyone you have ever met, or worked with.
Taken from the book Quick Pint After Work, And Other Everyday Lies.