The 48 Most Annoying Ways To Start An Email, Defined

We start from the top of your emails.

1. Hi = I’m trying to be as normal as possible.

2. Hi! = I’m trying to be as normal, while making this email seem more exciting than it actually is.

3. Hiiii! = I’m a bit annoying.

4. Hey = I’m trying to be a bit more relaxed, and have met you in person once.

5. Hey! = Having met you in person once, this is the first of many emails I will send you today.

6. Hey, mate = Having met you in person once, I need a massive favour.

7. Heeeeeeey!!! = I’m still not allowed to use scissors.

8. Hello = I’m trying to be a bit different.

9. HELLO = I think this email is more exciting than it actually is.

10. To… = I wish people still wrote letters.

11. Dear… = I think people still write letters.

12. Greetings = I’m having a fancy day.

13. Howdy = I watched True Detective last night.

14. Good morning = this is the first email I sent today.

15. Good morning! = this is the first email you’re getting today, but I’ve been up for hours.

16. What’s up? = This is my first day.

17. Yo! = This is my first and last day.

18. Ahoy = I’m a sailor.

19. Ahoy there = I’m a sailor, and would like you to join me on my boat.

20. Afternoon = I wrote an email this morning, and then forgot to send, so I just changed the greeting.

21. Afternoon! = I had the morning off.

22. Good evening = You need to know that I work harder than you.

23. How are you? = I need something from you.

24. How’s it going? = I need something from you, but slightly less urgently.

25. Hope you’re well = I need something from you, but really don’t want to engage.

26. Hope your well. = I need something from you, but can’t spell.

27. How was your weekend? = I need something from you, and it’s Monday.

28. How is your week going? = I need something from you, and it’s Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday.

29. Any plans for the weekend? = I need something from you, and it’s Friday.

30. Enjoying the weather? = I need something from you, and it’s sunny.

31. Happy [insert day here] = I need something from you, and I’m running out of ideas.

32. Just a quick one = Cancel everything you had planned for today.

33. Just letting you know = This is very serious, but we’re hoping you’ll skim read this.

34. Just filling you in = something important happened, but we decided not to involve you until it was too late.

35. We’re having a slight issue = This will have a considerable impact on your life.

36. We’re having an issue = This will have a major impact on your life.

37. We’re having a significant issue = You’re fucked.

38. It’s come to our attention = You’ve fucked up.

39. We’ve recently learned = We’ve fucked up.

40. It’s unclear at this stage = We’ve no idea who fucked up.

41. Something’s come up = I never wanted the meeting in the first place.

42. Hoping you can help me out = You’re the 11th person I’ve sent this to.

43. Hoping someone can help me out = I’ve BCC’d everyone I’ve ever talked to.

44. Not sure if you’re the right person to talk to = You’re the 26th person I’ve sent this to.

45. Not sure if you got my last email = You ignored my last email.

46. I’m having trouble getting hold of anyone = Everyone is ignoring me.

47. Haven’t been able to get you on the phone = You’re screening my calls.

48. Been having some trouble with my emails = Why won’t anyone talk to me?

Film4 Productions / Via reddit.com

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Luke Bailey is deputy head of Buzz at BuzzFeed UK and is based in London.
 
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