53 Thoughts Every Cyclist In A City Has

Before the inevitable serious injury.

1. So, we’re all just pretending the bike lane doesn’t exist then? Cool, just checking.
2. Why are all these cyclists trying to kill themselves today? Is there a tube strike on?
3. I do not trust any other cyclists near me.
4. Especially that guy on a Boris bike.
5. I also do not trust that guy in a suit.
6. If you need to tie up your trousers to cycle, don’t cycle.

7. Why are there so many people without helmets? YOU ARE ALL GOING TO DIE.
8. There is a strange sound on this bike.
9. Something is loose. Something is definitely loose.
10. I should stop and figure out what it is.
11. Be late vs. bike fall apart?
12. Well, I don’t want to be late…
13. I’ll fix it before the next ride. It’ll be fine. Probably.
14. Actually, did that sound happen last ride?
15. Was I supposed to fix it before this ride?
16. Or maybe it wasn’t actually a problem? I’ll carry on.
17. This probably won’t work out well.

Touchstone Pictures / Via giphy.com

18. Not sure if this is terrible head wind, or I’m that very unfit.
19. I’m blaming head wind.
20. I hope you die too, taxi driver. Thanks for your unsolicited insult.
21. Also, yes, please turn into me.
22. It’s fine, I am very well-protected against your two tons of metal.
23. Dick.
24. That buttcrack in front of me is not an enjoyable view.
25. That buttcrack more so.
26. I think that person is turning off. Should I follow them?
27. No. No bike-stalking. It doesn’t work out.
28. “Fuck taxis” guy!

29. The park bit of my ride is the best.
30. I’m outside! There’re green spaces! Everything is nature!
31. Park over. I’m pretty sure the city air has colour.
32. This bus is way too close. I really hope it needs to turn the other way.
33. I am so much smaller and worse armed. How is this vehicle so big?
34. Is it getting bigger? It’s definitely getting louder.
35. OK, it turned. I think I was holding my breath. Very much not sure why.
36. FLY! MOUTH! Spit or swallow?
37. Spitting not working. SPITTING NOT WORKING.
38. Oh god. I have to go with swallow.
39. Swallowing > inhaling. Positive thinking!

40. Ugh, fixie bike guy, just put your foot down.
41. OK, you’ve been balancing for quite a long time now. It’s now impressive.
42. People who mount the pavement on bikes deserve to hit lampposts.
43. Did I bring both my locks?
44. I’m pretty sure I left one in my house.
45. I’m going to miss my bike.

46. Pedestrian not looking! More dodging practice.
47. It’s a road. It’s not complicated.
48. How do you not understand walking? VERY SMALL CHILDREN CAN DO THIS.
49. Ican’tdodgethismanypeopleinarow. There’s going to be a crash.
50. I’m going to miss my teeth.
51. Wait, I’m OK? Good. I would quite like to know how that happened.
52. And now there’s nowhere to leave my bike.
53. Still happy I don’t have to take the tube, though.

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