1. You will never stop sweating.
It will ooze all over your body like fried chicken grease. Only saltier.
2. You’ll never be able to tell if you have really bad hayfever or you’re ill, ever.
3. The streets all smell like hot trash and stale urine.
And it never goes away.
5. Meaning you wake up at 5am for absolutely no reason for weeks on end.
I JUST WENT TO SLEEP. WHY AM I AWAKE?
6. Even when it’s actually dark, it’s way too hot to sleep.
I’ve had about four hours sleep in a month.
7. You will never be comfortable in bed.
There is no arrangement of bedding that will ever work.
8. The sun really will personally victimise you, and will prove it by incinerating your skin, probably in an embarrassing pattern.
Which will be present for around four months.
9. Everyone else is happy, so they expect YOU to be happy.
Despite all the pain summer causes.
10. People suddenly becomes obsessed with ‘activities,’ and ‘doing things.’
11. And being outside, where there’s ‘fresh air’ and other such nonsense.
12. If you do go outside, nature just falls in your beer.
This is why the outdoors is over-rated.
13. Going where there is a crowd is an exercise in masochism.
Everything is sweat. Everyone is sweat. Sweat.
14. The allegedly fun idea of music festivals is flawed due to the inability to hear, y’know, THE MUSIC.
But tents are so fun! No, wait the other one. Terrible. Tents are terrible.
15. You hear many quiet buzzings, with the very real possibility an insect is coming to kill you.
Look at him there, plotting…
16. Any bar that serves Pimms immediately cranks the price up.
I don’t even really like Pimms.