1. Ordering ‘a beer.’ No specifics, no details, just general beer.
Fine, if you give me some money. No, I won’t tell you how much.
2. Reaching over the bar to satisfy their curiosity about exactly what’s back there.
3. Um-ing and ah-ing and then asking for a ‘surprise.’
Water. You will get some lovely tap water.
4. Waiting until right after last call and then asking for a drink.
There are literally laws about this. Actual laws. So no.
5. Asking for a drink to be made ‘strong,’ especially if it involves the concept of doing it as some sort of favour.
This includes asking for less ice, tall glasses, or anything else. The same booze is going in.
6. Asking what beers are on while standing in front of the taps.
Or what cocktails are served. You know, the ones on the massive board right behind the bar.
7. Complaining about wait times, despite the bar clearly being incredibly busy.
Also, you won’t get your drink faster by not ordering your drink in order to complain.
9. Holding money and thrusting it in the general direction of the bartender as an attempt to get served.
Bartenders know the order in which people arrived at the bar. This is the order in which they serve. Attempting to circumvent this like you’re a member of the landed gentry calling on their serfs will not help.
10. Elbowing through a crowd and leaning on the bar to get served ahead of people there before.
Bartenders can see what you are doing. It is incredibly obvious.
11. Standing behind many other people at the bar and yet WAVING for some reason.
You are not going to get served out of order because you can wave so aggressively.
12. Snapping their fingers to attract attention.
The same goes for whistling, shouting, or literally anything else that you wouldn’t do out in the real world.
13. Ordering a single drink and then trying to pay by card.
Even with contactless technology, it’s annoying.
14. Ordering a drink and then sending it back because it’s not quite right.
If it’s actually the wrong drink, then sure. If it’s the right drink but tastes ever so slightly different to one you had the other day? Fuck right off.
15. Interrupting the bartender while they’re talking to another customer.
Bars are loud. This does not speed up the process.
16. Actually, just ordering single drinks when you’re in a group.
Just order the whole lot. And don’t wait for each drink to come before ordering the next one. Remarkably, bartenders can remember quite a lot of drinks at a time.
17. Complain that a drink isn’t strong enough, or that they can’t ‘taste the alcohol.’
That’s because it’s been made correctly.
18. Asking for free drinks despite not tipping well and not actually having any reason to expect a free drink.
Pretty much the easiest way not to get a free drink.
19. Explaining why they’re doing their job wrong and how there’s some way they could actually make it so much easier.
Worse if the explanation begins with ‘I once worked in a bar and…’
20. Slowly taking everything out of their bag and depositing it strategically across the bar.
21. Asking for some obscure drink they had once but can’t really remember.
“It was kind of blue? But a bit green? I think it began with a P.”
22. Trying to start a long conversation about some esoteric topic when the bar is rammed.
23. Ripping up stuff on the bar like they’re an infant.
Including, but not limited to: coasters, bottle labels, and old tabs.
24. Complain that there’s a drink that the bar doesn’t stock.
There are many alcohols in the world, and not all of them will not be on the small shelf behind the bar. Get used to it.
25. Asking to charge their phone behind the bar.
You could just talk to people. Also allowed.