25 Words That Have A Completely Different Meaning For Londoners

Success = Getting off the tube right in front of the exit. Let's do this again.

1. "Escalators"

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Usually means: Handy moving stairs that are basically everywhere.

In London means: Handy moving stairs that are basically everywhere AND YET SOME PEOPLE DON'T SEEM TO KNOW HOW TO USE THEM.

2. "Date"

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Usually means: Romantic engagement.

In London means: Getting drunk and bitching about your jobs.

3. "The South"

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Usually means: Anything below Birmingham.

In London means: Anything below the river. Mostly Estate Agents.

4. "Cereal Cafe"

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Usually means: An slightly silly novelty.

In London means: The next front in the culture wars.

5. "Deposit"

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Usually means: Broadly attainable sum of money, used to partially purchase a house.

In London means: The GDP of a minor Eastern European country, used to partially purchase a much smaller house.

6. "Artisan"

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Usually means: Something made by a skilled craftsman.

In London means: Something made by a skilled craftsman, but made to look like it was made by an unskilled craftsman. Also more expensive.

7. "Success"

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Usually means: A significant achievement in your life.

In London means: Getting off the tube at the exact right spot to get to the exit.

8. "Cable car"

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Usually means: Something you only get in ski resorts.

In London means: Something you only get by the O2, for a reason no-one can actually explain.

9. "Foxes"

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Usually means: Small ginger animal that lives in the countryside.

In London means: Small ginger animal that lives absolutely fucking everywhere.

10. "Fresh Air"

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Usually means: The clean, lovely air you always find outdoors.

In London means: The only slightly grey air you can sometimes find outdoors. If you're in a park. At 4am.

11. "Gentrified"

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Usually means: A complex socio-economic process has occurred.

In London means: The poor people are gone now.

12. "Plans"

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Usually means: Something you make with friends at the weekend

In London means: Something you pretend to make with friends at the weekend, before cancelling and watching Netflix instead.

13. "Burger"

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Usually means: A simple meat sandwich.

In London means: Could be fucking anything, at this point.

14. "Work-life balance"

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Usually means: Proper prioritising between career and lifestyle.

In London means: LOL nope.

15. "Traditional"

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Usually means: The sort of pub that hasn't changed since the 18th century.

In London means: Any pub that's more than four years old and still doesn't sell Wasabi fucking peas.

16. "Walking"

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Usually means: Getting from place to place on foot.

In London means: An excuse to criticise people's entire existence when they do it too slow.

17. "River"

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Usually means: Flowing water.

In London means: Flowing... something. Look, it's definitely not water, even if there was a whale in it. Also a handy way to get out of doing things you don't want to do, since you can always be "on the wrong side" of it.

18. "Pulled pork"

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Usually means: A rare treat.

In London means: A localised humanitarian disaster. It's everywhere. Absolutely everywhere. Babies in Hoxton have to be weaned on it, and leftovers are piled high in dumpsters thoughout East London.

19. "Museum trip"

Usually means: A trip to a museum.

In London means: A trip to a pub, during which going to a museum will be discussed.

20. "South Bank"

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Usually means: The side of the river that isn't the North.

In London means: The side of the river that is painfully full of people.

21. "Gourmet"

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Usually means: Unique, hard-to-find food.

In London means: Food with some sort of incomprehensible unnecessary weird shit sprinkled on it.

22. "Gin"

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Usually means: A type of spirit.

In London means: A type of cult. Practitioners are known as "enthusiasts."

23. "Craft beer"

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Usually means: Carefully made, small batch, high quality beer.

In London means: Basically normal beer, but a bit darker and more expensive. / A good way to get rid of 5 quid you didn't want any more.

24. "Headphones"

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Usually means: Method of listening to music.

In London means: Vital protection against the world.

25. "Oxford Street"

Twitter: @KelvinCushman

Usually means: A street in Oxford.

In London means: Hell on earth.