1. The whole concept of split shifts makes you very angry.
Somehow I’ve worked 14 hours, and been paid for 11?
2. But somehow, you work six days a week, because shift work is terrible.
Getting two days off in a row is usually the result of working 15 straight, so isn’t necessarily worth it.
3. You know that if a customer snaps their fingers at you, you are legally allowed to take their shoes, and set them on fire.
Though it has to be outside, due to fire regulations.
4. Contactless card technology is basically magic and it’s amazing.
No more PINs!
5. Almost every branded pint glass is either too wide, too tall, or too stupid to be useful.
“Oh, you’ve got a goblet? Cool, I’ll be over here ‘accidentally’ dropping every single one of them”.
6. You know that if you take care of the kitchen staff, they’ll take care of you.
Alcohol is currency, and it buys food.
7. But that if the kitchen staff are going under, you just need to keep your head down.
Chefs are great, angry, interesting, terrifying people.
8. You know every place in town that’s open early in the morning.
The party doesn’t start until you walk in, having cleaned down and divided up the tips.
9. Good regulars are intermittently your friends, your co-workers, your bouncers, and complete fucking liabilities.
They will tell you their problems and moan when their favourite beer runs out, but they’ll also help you clear up.
10. You know people who can get you absolutely anything.
A taxi to Scotland? Drugs? A 12th-century encyclopedia with only minimal water damage?
11. You’re aware that most of the spirit bottles behind the bar haven’t been opened since the last time everyone had a lock-in, and the beer ran out.
No one evens knows what’s in most of them, except it really didn’t taste nice.
12. When you’re at a different bar, you always end up ordering because you can remember the complete order.
Sure, you can’t remember anyone’s birthday, but “Three Kronenburg, two glasses of prosecco, a white wine, a white wine spritzer, three Honeydews, a gin and tonic, two Deuchars, and a Seafarers?” NO PROBLEM.
13. You can use this.
And it’s not just for dealing with frustrating customers. Though this is also an important function.
14. You firmly believe in the paramount importance of the soda gun.
You have a pint of something on the go at all times. Sometimes it’s Coke. Most of the time it’s not.
15. You know that the till being over is more suspicious than the register being under.
And how to fix the problem.
17. And more importantly, how to correctly report ullage.
(Over. You overreport ullage.)
18. Every time you see a pint of Snakebite, you start thinking about your exit strategy in the fight.
19. Anyone who asks for a “strong” drink will result in a perfectly measured to be slightly smaller than usual drink.
20. The importance of line cleaning is only matched by the annoyance of actually doing it.
Usually because it was supposed to be someone else’s problem.
21. But at least once a week someone will take a sip of beer and cast aspersions on your line-cleaning ability.
“Beer doesn’t taste how you expect? Probably that mint gum you were just chewing.”
22. You immediately dismiss any guy who orders moscato as an idiot.
They are often surprised when the drink Kanye and Drake are rapping about turns out to be white wine.
23. You loathe anyone who finishes an order with “…and a Guinness.”
(Let’s not get into the one-pour/two-pour thing again.)
24. Glass washing machines are the single best way to immediately become hot and sweaty.
So much fun.
25. Anyone who destroys beermats and leaves tiny pieces all over the floor is not a viable member of society.
26. The only true way to measure the quality of an ale is by how quickly it runs out.