1.
I know it's only our second date, Susan, and maybe I'm moving too fast, but I'd like to buy your dog.
2.
FAKE BREEDS I'VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
3.
4.
I only work out so I'm strong enough to hold every breed of dog like a baby.
5.
I'd pay $10,000 per ticket if instead of people the airplane was filled with dogs to play with
6.
"Loving this concept." - God designing dogs
7.
"OH YEAH! THIS!!!" –a dog waking up
8.
The reason dogs love humans so much is because they're trying to get to all the bones inside us! :-)
9.
*pets dog* if ur always hapy are u ever truly hapy *pets dog mor* or is hapiness only somthing we see in u bc we kno sadness *dog wags tail*
10.
Vet: I'm afraid were going to have to put your dog down Me: Ok... Rex... Ur stupid Vet:Ur the worst Me:Ur a bad dog Vet: Nobody likes u
11.
[dogs chatting in park] So what does your human call you? "Hoozagoodboy" omg same
12.
13.
Footage of me alone with dogs could really bolster the insanity plea at my murder trial.
14.
Cats are great if you'd like only the unpleasant aspects of having a dog.
15.
Friendship requirements: be fun-loving, low maintenance, cute, furry, four-legged, a dog.
16.
Overheard on the train - "I'm sure your pug is lovely but it still looks like some sort of other dog was in a horrific compactor accident."
17.
Sorry I wasn't listening when you were talking about your dog. I was busy looking in my phone for a picture of my superior dog.
18.
I told your dog he was a bad boy while you were in the bathroom.
19.
"You bought the wrong dog food, he hates this kind!" said my wife of our dog who once literally ate another dog's puke.
20.
21.
[at interview] "ok 1st question you're on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him" umm "..." subwoofer? "welcome to the navy seals"
22.
It's so weird how people who don't like dogs are always shitheads.
23.
When you see an old lady whose dog is wearing clothes, a fun thing to ask her is how long ago the evil wizard turned her husband into a dog.
24.
*dog reading birthday card* [front] Who's a good boy? *holds breath* [inside] You are! *tail goes fuckin nuts*
25.
When dogs sniff pee on a tree, that's like their facebook.
26.
[Dog Spelling Bee] JUDGE: your word is, "Vacuum" CONTESTANT: *barks rampantly in fear from under the stage *
27.
hold on. shh. stop talking. theres a dog in my field of vision and i have to look at it until its gone
28.
If you ever give your dog to someone tell them it’s 10 years older than it is so they think they got a magic dog.
29.
I've got a magic dog. He's a Labracadabrador.
30.
"We're eating dinner soon. Don't fill up on homework." -dog mom
31.
32.
I met a really great guy at a party last night. He had four legs and was hairy. He was a dog. I met a great dog at a party last night.
33.
“So weird! He never does this!” - a person whose dog jumps on people all day, every day, as it jumps on you
34.
whats the job where you dress up like a michelin man and get attacked by vicious dogs. anyway thats the thing i spent $800000 at college for
35.
Are you a dog? Want to know who's good boy? Try this quiz! 1: Who's a good boy? 2: Who is it? 3: WHO'S A GOOD BOY? 4: Is it you? 5: Is it?
36.
Squirrel Hell and Dog Heaven are the same place
37.
Hi, I spend 3 minutes every day choosing a TV channel to leave on for my dog, then I go to work and people take me seriously as an adult.
38.
"What's your proudest achievement?" "I once called a dog 'a Puppy with CAPSLOCK on' in a job interview" "That was this interview" "Correct"
39.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
40.
"Bro check out that DILP." "Where? Wait what's a DILP?" "Dog I'd Like to Pet."
41.
42.
[museum] Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit? "through that door" Thank you very ruff! "What'd you say?" *2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
43.
*backflips out of bushes* can I pet your dog