1. First mistake? Having a quick drink.
Turned out not to be such a quick drink.
2. Leaving the pub a little later than planned.
Music off, lights on, floor being mopped. Pint still full.
3. Deciding not to care about finding your coat/bag/gilded statue of a falcon.
4. Forgetting to charge your phone and having to navigate without GPS. Like in the Dark Ages (pre-2002).
Definitely didn’t use all the battery swiping on Tinder for hours.
6. Taking the wrong tube, and ending up in in some strange part of the city you’ve never seen before.
Morden ≈ Mordor.
7. Falling asleep on the next tube, to the enjoyment of everyone around.
And now the tubes have stopped. To the buses!
8. Wandering around aimlessly was not the best way to find the right bus stop.
It took a few tries. THERE WERE A LOT OF BUS STOPS, OK?
9. Trying to pay for the bus with a gym card didn’t work.
Neither did a driving license, an intoxicated attempt at a smile, or keys. On the plus side, you still have your keys.
10. Talking to the actually not drunk, but actually very, very creepy stranger next to you.
Congrats, they’re your new best friend! And you gave them your number.
11. Falling asleep (again) on the bus.
Though you probably weren’t the only one doing it…
13. Getting fast food. As much fast food as you can carry.
Remember, it’s not about what you want, it’s about what’s closest.
14. Eating the food.
Messily, while dropping most of it. In the morning, the lack of salt in your system will actually be a good thing.
15. Trying to open the door with a device as complicated as keys.
FYI, it’s now five hours since “going home” started.
17. Showering in a futile attempt to sober up.
Now wet and naked, but still drunk.
18. Drinking way too much water, way too fast.
Stomach pains and uncontrollable urination, to finish the evening off.
19. Trying to walk up the stairs quickly.
Actually, trying to walk anywhere, at any speed.