1. “You Must Be Due Any Day Now!”
In fact, let’s not make any assumptions that the lady is expecting at all, okay?
3. Jokes About “Pickles and Ice Cream”
You’ll have something to say about that as soon as you finish your chocolate-covered onions!
4. Jokes About “Eating For Two”
“Hahaha,” said no one ever, in response to an “eating for two” comment.
5. The Sight Of Your Partner Peacefully Sleeping At Night
When you’re still tossing and turning at 3 A.M., the only way to relax is to imagine a violent smothering with your body pillow.
6. When Your Partner Asks, “How Did You Sleep Last Night?”
Lousy! That’s how you slept! Lousy!
8. Post-Baby Body Media Hype
Because your post-pregnancy wellness has everything to do with Snooki wearing an animal-print bikini.
9. Being Told You’re Hormonal
Are you trying to tell me my emotions aren’t real?
10. Feeling Totally Hormonal
OK, if these emotions are real, everyone’s in trouble.
11. Creepy Pregnancy Products
You’re actually expected to… cut into this and eat it?
12. Men Who Have Sympathetic Pregnancy Symptoms
Your pregnancy is an excuse for him to be tired, wear a robe all the time, and eat junk food. Meanwhile, you’re doing pre-natal yoga and eating quinoa flour pancakes.
13. Shoes That Seem To Have Shrunk Overnight
Your cute-as-can-be LAMB shoes that cost an entire paycheck will probably never fit again.
And Here Are Your New Shoes!
There are also the orthopedic sandals with socks that you save for special occasions.
14. Concerned Strangers
In between doctor’s visits, there’s no shortage of people who are concerned that your handbag is too heavy for you to carry.
16. Hearing Other People’s Scary Birth Stories
Quick, time to schedule that C-Section!
17. Being Asked “Are You STILL Pregnant?”
18. Old-Fashioned Advice About Inducing Labor
Castor Oil… foot massages… What is this, the Dark Ages?
(Also The Fact That None of Those Things Work)
The only thing you netted from the castor oil was a bout of diarrhea. :-(
19. The Realization That Lamaze is a Sham
Breathing through the pain? Using pictures of your cat as a focal point? And you paid for those classes?