21 Birthday Cakes That Will Put Your Kid In Therapy For Life

Take the money you saved by making a homemade cake and put it in a therapy fund for your kid, who will be needing it in a big way for many, many years to come.


Spider-Man, hunched into a fetal position, being birthed from a garbage bag. Suddenly not so “Amazing.”

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Bob the Builder sacrificed himself so that you could have a happy birthday.

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Make your kid feel old without even mentioning that the average age of the Backstreet Boys is 38.

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Instructions: smear a mish-mash of frosting over cake to communicate loud and clear “I don’t give a shit about you or your damn birthday.”

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The trauma of seeing all those poor people struggling to survive in a giant mound of poop guarantees your child will be too terrified to ever even think about learning to use the potty.

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Do you see what happened to Barbie when she tried to touch herself down there?

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Freud assured us there would be a phallic stage. Let’s not push it, okay?

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(See above.)

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Apparently the cake was made of Kryptonite, honey. Now let’s all sing “Happy Birthday.”

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This is what happened to Lightning McQueen when he used too much Rust-eze. :(

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And this was the time he drank too much and passed out in a puddle of his own vomit. So I don’t ever want to catch you drinking.

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Who wants a slice with a gelatinous eyeball on it?

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I know you wanted Chewbacca, dear, but we got you a Zuni fetish doll cake instead!

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He’ll also be joining us for bath time.

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No, there isn’t an actual Batman on the cake, but it does say “Bat Man.” We can’t always get everything we want in life, honey. This cake should help you remember that.

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Sorry, Sally. Daddy picked up the cake on the way home from work, and then he stopped at a bar, and then… I think he must have dropped it in sawdust.

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At least this year he brought it home.

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We don’t know why there was a steamroller on the racetrack, sweetie. But they say that the little motorcycle guy didn’t suffer.

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I stayed up all night making this for you, mister! It’s not perfect, but neither are you!

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How do you know you don’t like caviar until you try it, Little Miss Picky?

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Oh, you wanted a jigsaw puzzle cake!? My bad.

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Your father and I just wanted to remind you to give us a call while you’re away at camp this summer. Otherwise this boogeyman will get you. That’s all.

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Your father cannot wait to take you to Hooters. They have a lovely kids special.

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What is it? Are these tears of happiness? Or did you really not like the cake?

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