Eating At The Olive Garden, As Told By Liz Lemon

Maybe it’s been a few years, months, or mere weeks since you last decided it was a good idea to fill your body with cheese-ladened cream pasta, bottomless bread-sticks and soup/salad that for some reason you let them put grated cheese on. Don’t worry. This is a natural process, let Liz Lemon take you through the whole thing.

1. Lust

Feelings you haven’t felt in a long time start to stir within you. Your dreams start to feature, occasionally at first then with increasing frequency; enormous chairs with wheels, chipper waiters and giant trays. You start smelling bread-sticks everywhere you go.

2. Flirtation

You need to find someone to go with you. You send a few texts, try to play it cool. Maybe you ask how their diets are going, how committed are they to that 5k, might they be interested in filling their bodies with cheese?

3. Seduction

You’ve successfully narrowed-in on one or two people, maybe you tried to make it sound romantic. Maybe you emailed them a pictures of pasta every day for a week. Maybe you threatened their families. Either way, you’ve got a date.

4. Dating

30 Rock / Via tumblr.com

You’ve arrived early, your hands are shaking with nervousness and anticipation. You have been repeating your order in your head since you left your house but when the waiter finally comes over your words get all jumbled and you just mash your fingers at the menu to order. “Stupid! Stupid!!”

5. Intimacy

30 Rock / Via tumblr.com

You’re committed now. It’s all happening. As you wait for your first basket of bread-sticks to appear you feel a stab of panic. You worked so hard to get to this point, did you make the right choice? Should you have ordered off the seasonal menu? It doesn’t matter, the bread-sticks arrive and soon you’re floating on a sodium induced wave of pleasure.

6. Climax

Sometime during your second bowl of soup the pasta arrives and as cheese starts to course through your veins, you feel a rush of confidence. You know who you are, you made the right choice, it’s all going to be okay!

7. Romance

As you eat your mind starts to drift excitedly to plans for the future. How good would this be as lunch at work tomorrow?! You’re colleagues will be so jealous when they smell it heating up in the microwave. You can tell everyone you ate that third bowl of soup!

8. Perserverence

Suddenly, fullness starts to set in and you are gripped by panic. You aren’t ready to let go of the high. You keep going. One more bite! Recapture the moment!

9. Regret

30 Rock / Via tumblr.com

Then suddenly the spell is broken. You look down and notice that the once beautiful ceramic plates full of cream actually looks kind of congealed, and the smell of minestrone and meat sauce is making you feel ill… You try to leave but have to go back because you forgot your box of leftovers at the table.

10. The Morning After

You wake up and it takes you a moment to remember how you got home. Did you drive? Did a truck run over your intestines? Then you notice the takeout box still clutched in your hand and it all comes back to you….

It’s Okay

It happens to all of us. You’ll be back.

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