If you’ve never played a dating sim, you’re missing out. These are simple text-based games in which you make a series of choices with different results — think Choose Your Own Adventure with anime style. “Jurassic Heart” is a fairly straightforward entry into the genre … except that the object of your affection is a T. Rex named Taira-kun.
2. The story begins with you in your bedroom.
Your first date with Taira-kun is to buy a ukulele. We’ll get into why later. For now, just accept that this is a reasonable outing for you and your dinosaur crush.
3. Ready for your first choice?
I picked the meat on the bone hair clip in the hopes that Taira-kun would try to eat my head. He did not.
4. Um, yeah, I’m pretty sure the dinosaur likes meat.
This character is kind of dumb. I regret naming her Louis.
6. It’s still pretty exciting when you realize he’s into you.
7. Off to the music store!
How does a dinosaur play a ukulele? I DON’T KNOW.
8. And here comes the clunky exposition.
You encouraged Taira-kun to play and he dropped his ukulele. It doesn’t really seem like your fault, to be honest.
10. And it leads to your next choice.
Taira-kun feels bad about you paying for the ukulele and wants to get it on his own. I suggested we split it, because that’s the sensible thing to do, and I’m really good at dating.
11. I think we’re flirting.
If you suggest splitting the ukulele, you go on to say you can share it. But because you can’t play the ukulele, you’ll have to sing. Cuuute. If I were making this into a movie, I’d cast Zooey Deschanel in both roles.
13. Ukulele size doesn’t matter.
As long as your dinosaur is happy, guys.
14. Location change!
You say good night, but the date doesn’t have to be over. Follow Taira-kun’s lead. He’s a dinosaur.
15. Make the right choice. Lie if you have to.
Taira-kun totally wants to do it.
16. Ohhh, shit.
OK, I’m going to stop you right now. This doesn’t actually lead to hot dino-on-human action. Alas, it’s just not that kind of game.
17. If you stick around, Taira-kun shares his sob story with you.
More like whine-osaur, amirite?
18. Once upon a time, he dropped his ukulele.
And he couldn’t pick it up, because dinosaur. HOW DID HE PLAY IT, THOUGH. I need answers.
20. UGH, KISS ALREADY.
Sad spoiler alert: there is no kissing either.
23. This is so goddamn sweet.
You tell Taira-kun that if he ever drops his ukulele again, you’ll be there to pick it up. That’s love.
24. Now it’s Taira-kun’s turn to blush!
At least we’re acknowledging that he’s a giant dinosaur.
25. Finally, you get to jam together.
Turns out “Louis” is a cute red-haired girl. Story of my life.
26. Everyone’s happy. But what about a second date?
It’s inconclusive. Let’s just go ahead and assume this story ends in marriage.
27. But yes, let’s relax and stay in the moment.
One day you rule the earth, the next day you’re literally a fossil.
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