82 Unanswered Questions About The Twilight Saga

I watched all five Twilight films, and I have a lot of questions. posted on

To celebrate the release of the complete Twilight Saga on Blu-ray, I watched all five films in one sitting: Twilight, The Twilight Saga: New Moon, The Twilight Saga: Eclipse, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn — Part 1, and The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn — Part 2. That’s over 10 hours of vampire drama, werewolf angst, and very sappy dialogue.

While I survived the marathon, I was left with a lot of questions. Here’s what I’m still wondering about the series.

Twilight (2008)

1. Who let Jacob leave the house with that hair?

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2. Why is everyone so attracted to the Cullens when their defining characteristic seems to be stankface?

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3. Are Bella’s friends always this boring, or are they just being extra dull to provide a contrast with the exciting vampires?

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4. Why don’t the evil vampires make stankfaces?

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5. Are vampires actually great drivers, or are they just dicks on the road?

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6. In this day and age, do we still need an internet research montage?

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7. Why does Edward call his sparkly skin the “skin of a killer” when it’s clearly the skin of a unicorn?

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8. When Edward calls Bella his “own personal brand of heroin,” is that supposed to be a compliment?

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9. How are the lion and the lamb supposed to consummate their relationship?

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10. Is “spider monkey” really a term of endearment?

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11. Why isn’t Bella more freaked out when she learns that Edward has been watching her sleep?

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12. Where did the old-timey baseball uniforms come from?

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13. Does Bella really regret NOTHING when she’s about to die? Like, what about walking into a fatal trap?

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14. How do vampire heads pop off so easily? Are they all that fragile?

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15. Why is a teenager so eager to spend eternity with her first serious boyfriend?

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The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009)

16. Why did Jacob take the time to get buff if he wasn’t also going to fix his hair?

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17. Has a papercut ever caused this much trouble?

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18. If the Cullens can just not go to school when they don’t feel like, why do they bother going to school at all?

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19. Does Bella eat or shower or move during her depression montage?

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20. What is the movie Love Spelled Backwards Is Love about?

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21. Could Bella not come up with a better response to Laurent saying he was going to kill her than “Please don’t”?

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22. Does Jacob have an infinite supply of shirts to ruin when he turns into a wolf?

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23. Are we supposed to just accept that Emily’s werewolf boyfriend Sam mauled her face because he was pissed off? How is this even remotely OK?

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24. How can this many giant wolves not take out a single vampire?

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25. Why does Jacob stop himself from kissing Bella just because the phone rings? Those are two unrelated actions.

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26. Shouldn’t Edward verify that Bella is dead before killing himself?

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27. With that cackle, did Aro really have any options besides villainy?

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28. Will Edward’s shiny skin really out him as a vampire or just someone who wears a lot of body glitter?

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29. Why does Bella offer to sacrifice herself to save Edward when she knows that he’ll just commit suicide if she dies?

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30. If in the end Bella and Edward are back together and promise never to leave each other again, what was the point of this movie?

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31. But seriously, when was the last time Jacob wore a shirt?

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32. Why the hell does a century-old vampire propose to a teenage girl?

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The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010)

33. Why does Bella still care about school when she’s going to become a vampire as soon as she graduates?

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34. Is Edward as bored by Bella’s lame friends as I am?

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35. When did Victoria become a different actress?

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36. What is “imprinting” and couldn’t werewolves have picked a less gross word?

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37. Would Jacob be less grumpy if he knew that Bella and Edward weren’t having sex?

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38. Shouldn’t Jacob apologize for kissing Bella against her will? And for hurting her hand with his face?

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39. Is Bella even listening to Jessica’s graduation speech about how dumb it is to decide what you want for the rest of your life at 18?

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40. Wouldn’t the practice fight scene have been improved if they were all naked?

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41. How is Jacob so sure that Bella is into him? Were her repeated and straightforward rejections not enough?

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42. Why is Edward so grossly obsessed with Bella’s purity?

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43. How is a ring any consolation for not getting laid?

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44. Isn’t body warmth reason enough to choose the werewolf over the vampire?

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45. Why does Bella suddenly decide to kiss Jacob? And how is Edward totally cool with it?

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46. What was the point of giving Bree a backstory if the Volturi were just going to kill her?

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47. Does Jacob honestly think believe dating him would be just as easy as breathing? He’s a WEREWOLF.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn — Part 1 (2011)

48. Why does Jacob even bother putting a shirt on if he’s just going to angrily pull it off?

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49. Is Edward’s secret dark past really just that he used to kill very bad people? Because honestly who cares.

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50. Could Bella and Edward maybe kiss less intensely in front of their family and friends?

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51. Why has everyone taken it upon themselves to worry about Bella’s virginity?

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52. Is it supposed to be romantic or horrifying when Edward breaks the bed during sex?

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53. Did no one consider the unsettling domestic abuse connotations when Bella is covered in bruises after her first night with Edward?

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54. How is Edward still turning down Bella when she’s literally begging for sex?

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55. What is this weird pro-life message about the fetus being a baby doing in the middle of my vampire movie?

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56. Why is Bella so insistent on going through with the pregnancy even after Carlisle reveals that it’s slowly killing her?

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57. Does drinking blood through a straw really make it more palatable?

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58. How is Charlie not demanding to see her daughter while she suffers from a mysterious illness?

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59. If Edward is telepathically communicating with the fetus, couldn’t he ask it nicely to stop killing his wife?

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60. How is everyone pretending that Renesmee isn’t the worst name conceivable?

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61. Why does Edward have to perform the C-section with his teeth? Isn’t that incredibly unhygienic?

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62. On a scale of 1 to 10, how dead is Bella exactly?

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63. Why does Edward bite all over his beloved’s corpse?

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64. Seriously, though, how is imprinting different from falling in love, because I’m pretty sure Jacob just fell in love with that baby?

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The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn — Part 2 (2012)

65. Does being a vampire give you the power to zoom and enhance?

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66. Is Jacob totally over Bella now that he’s crushing on her baby?

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67. Why is Renesmee such a CGI abomination?

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68. How does Jacob outing himself as a werewolf to Charlie solve anything?

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69. Why doesn’t Charlie run screaming when he sees this?

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70. Can Renesmee fly?

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71. How am I supposed to keep track of all these new vampires? There are EIGHTEEN.

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72. Why did it take five movies to get to Lee Pace?

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73. Can any other vampires shoot lightning from their fingertips? Are vampires basically X-Men now?

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74. Is there anything more frightening than Aro attempting to express joy?

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75. Is Carlisle really dead? (No.)

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76. Is Jasper really dead? (No.)

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77. Is Jane really dead? (No.)

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78. Is Aro really dead? (No.)

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79. If no one actually died, what was the point of that BIG CLIMACTIC BATTLE THAT NEVER EVEN HAPPENED?

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80. Will Jacob bother waiting till Renesmee’s 18 if she’s going to be fully grown at 7?

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81. Do we really need a flashback to the wedding already?

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82. Whose awful idea was it to conclude the movie with this?

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