To celebrate the release of the complete Twilight Saga on Blu-ray, I watched all five films in one sitting: Twilight, The Twilight Saga: New Moon, The Twilight Saga: Eclipse, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn — Part 1, and The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn — Part 2. That’s over 10 hours of vampire drama, werewolf angst, and very sappy dialogue.
While I survived the marathon, I was left with a lot of questions. Here’s what I’m still wondering about the series.
1. Who let Jacob leave the house with that hair?
2. Why is everyone so attracted to the Cullens when their defining characteristic seems to be stankface?
3. Are Bella’s friends always this boring, or are they just being extra dull to provide a contrast with the exciting vampires?
4. Why don’t the evil vampires make stankfaces?
5. Are vampires actually great drivers, or are they just dicks on the road?
6. In this day and age, do we still need an internet research montage?
7. Why does Edward call his sparkly skin the “skin of a killer” when it’s clearly the skin of a unicorn?
8. When Edward calls Bella his “own personal brand of heroin,” is that supposed to be a compliment?
9. How are the lion and the lamb supposed to consummate their relationship?
10. Is “spider monkey” really a term of endearment?
11. Why isn’t Bella more freaked out when she learns that Edward has been watching her sleep?
12. Where did the old-timey baseball uniforms come from?
13. Does Bella really regret NOTHING when she’s about to die? Like, what about walking into a fatal trap?
14. How do vampire heads pop off so easily? Are they all that fragile?
15. Why is a teenager so eager to spend eternity with her first serious boyfriend?
The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009)
16. Why did Jacob take the time to get buff if he wasn’t also going to fix his hair?
17. Has a papercut ever caused this much trouble?
18. If the Cullens can just not go to school when they don’t feel like, why do they bother going to school at all?
19. Does Bella eat or shower or move during her depression montage?
20. What is the movie Love Spelled Backwards Is Love about?
21. Could Bella not come up with a better response to Laurent saying he was going to kill her than “Please don’t”?
22. Does Jacob have an infinite supply of shirts to ruin when he turns into a wolf?
23. Are we supposed to just accept that Emily’s werewolf boyfriend Sam mauled her face because he was pissed off? How is this even remotely OK?
24. How can this many giant wolves not take out a single vampire?
25. Why does Jacob stop himself from kissing Bella just because the phone rings? Those are two unrelated actions.
26. Shouldn’t Edward verify that Bella is dead before killing himself?
27. With that cackle, did Aro really have any options besides villainy?
28. Will Edward’s shiny skin really out him as a vampire or just someone who wears a lot of body glitter?
29. Why does Bella offer to sacrifice herself to save Edward when she knows that he’ll just commit suicide if she dies?
30. If in the end Bella and Edward are back together and promise never to leave each other again, what was the point of this movie?
31. But seriously, when was the last time Jacob wore a shirt?
32. Why the hell does a century-old vampire propose to a teenage girl?
The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010)
33. Why does Bella still care about school when she’s going to become a vampire as soon as she graduates?
34. Is Edward as bored by Bella’s lame friends as I am?
35. When did Victoria become a different actress?
36. What is “imprinting” and couldn’t werewolves have picked a less gross word?
37. Would Jacob be less grumpy if he knew that Bella and Edward weren’t having sex?
38. Shouldn’t Jacob apologize for kissing Bella against her will? And for hurting her hand with his face?
39. Is Bella even listening to Jessica’s graduation speech about how dumb it is to decide what you want for the rest of your life at 18?
40. Wouldn’t the practice fight scene have been improved if they were all naked?
41. How is Jacob so sure that Bella is into him? Were her repeated and straightforward rejections not enough?
42. Why is Edward so grossly obsessed with Bella’s purity?
43. How is a ring any consolation for not getting laid?
44. Isn’t body warmth reason enough to choose the werewolf over the vampire?
45. Why does Bella suddenly decide to kiss Jacob? And how is Edward totally cool with it?
46. What was the point of giving Bree a backstory if the Volturi were just going to kill her?
47. Does Jacob honestly think believe dating him would be just as easy as breathing? He’s a WEREWOLF.
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn — Part 1 (2011)
48. Why does Jacob even bother putting a shirt on if he’s just going to angrily pull it off?
49. Is Edward’s secret dark past really just that he used to kill very bad people? Because honestly who cares.
50. Could Bella and Edward maybe kiss less intensely in front of their family and friends?
51. Why has everyone taken it upon themselves to worry about Bella’s virginity?
52. Is it supposed to be romantic or horrifying when Edward breaks the bed during sex?
53. Did no one consider the unsettling domestic abuse connotations when Bella is covered in bruises after her first night with Edward?
54. How is Edward still turning down Bella when she’s literally begging for sex?
55. What is this weird pro-life message about the fetus being a baby doing in the middle of my vampire movie?
56. Why is Bella so insistent on going through with the pregnancy even after Carlisle reveals that it’s slowly killing her?
57. Does drinking blood through a straw really make it more palatable?
58. How is Charlie not demanding to see her daughter while she suffers from a mysterious illness?
59. If Edward is telepathically communicating with the fetus, couldn’t he ask it nicely to stop killing his wife?
60. How is everyone pretending that Renesmee isn’t the worst name conceivable?
61. Why does Edward have to perform the C-section with his teeth? Isn’t that incredibly unhygienic?
62. On a scale of 1 to 10, how dead is Bella exactly?
63. Why does Edward bite all over his beloved’s corpse?
64. Seriously, though, how is imprinting different from falling in love, because I’m pretty sure Jacob just fell in love with that baby?
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn — Part 2 (2012)
65. Does being a vampire give you the power to zoom and enhance?
66. Is Jacob totally over Bella now that he’s crushing on her baby?
67. Why is Renesmee such a CGI abomination?
68. How does Jacob outing himself as a werewolf to Charlie solve anything?
69. Why doesn’t Charlie run screaming when he sees this?
70. Can Renesmee fly?
71. How am I supposed to keep track of all these new vampires? There are EIGHTEEN.
72. Why did it take five movies to get to Lee Pace?
73. Can any other vampires shoot lightning from their fingertips? Are vampires basically X-Men now?
74. Is there anything more frightening than Aro attempting to express joy?
75. Is Carlisle really dead? (No.)
76. Is Jasper really dead? (No.)
77. Is Jane really dead? (No.)
78. Is Aro really dead? (No.)
79. If no one actually died, what was the point of that BIG CLIMACTIC BATTLE THAT NEVER EVEN HAPPENED?
80. Will Jacob bother waiting till Renesmee’s 18 if she’s going to be fully grown at 7?
81. Do we really need a flashback to the wedding already?
82. Whose awful idea was it to conclude the movie with this?
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