1. The one who always starts a fight.
Alcohol may increase aggression, but this person came to the party to start something. Before the night is over, someone’s hair is getting pulled.
2. The one who’s trying to be suave.
Isn’t it great how alcohol turns you into James Bond? Except that only happens in your head. In real life, what you think is charm is actually just you being sloppy.
3. The one who can’t stop crying.
Is it over a relationship? The stresses of school? The last episode of The Vampire Diaries? Irrelevant. All that matters is that when this person starts sobbing, there’s no stopping.
4. The one who always gets sick.
If you’re lucky, the vomit ends up in your toilet. Otherwise, it’s going in your sink, on your furniture, or — if the timing’s just right — your shoes.
5. The one who tries to be all deep.
Just smile and nod. Smile and nod.
6. The one who offers to be designated driver and then gets drunk.
This isn’t just annoying: it’s INCREDIBLY dangerous. Being a DD is a big responsibility. Yes, it’s a pain sometimes, but getting drunk when you’re the head of the carpool is total asshole behavior.
7. The one who has to text everyone.
Ugh, drunk texting is the worst. See also: drunk dialing, drunk tweeting, drunk blogging. Just go to bed.
8. The one who forgets how bathrooms work.
Oh, did you not want pee all over your floor? Sorry…
9. The one who crashes at your place.
Oh, you don’t mind, do you? P.S. Tomorrow’s killer hangover ensures your unwelcome houseguest will be staying put for quite some time.
10. The one who makes out with everyone.
Hey, no judgment, but remember the dangerous effect of beer goggles. Only make out with people you’d also make out with sober!
11. The one who lies about being drunk.
Just admit it. WE ALL KNOW.
12. The one who won’t shut up about being drunk.
The only thing worse than bragging about how not drunk you are is doing the opposite. Yes, we’re all drinking — no one is surprised that alcohol is impairing your motor skills. But go ahead and tell the world. I’m sure someone gives a crap.
13. The one who leaves you hanging.
Remember those plans you made earlier? Your drunk friend doesn’t. Expect a slurred apology voicemail or perhaps an incoherent text.
14. The one who thinks you’re best friends forever.
It’s so easy to bond when you’re both wasted. And so very difficult to care that much once you’re sober.