1. The Puppy
The tongue goes in the mouth — not on the face! There are definitely circumstances in which it’s acceptable to lick your partner. But a full-on tongue-bath during a makeout sesh is not OK.
2. The Washing Machine
Points for getting the tongue inside the mouth, but what you do with it matters too. Swirling it around a lot isn’t going to turn anyone on. The Washing Machine only knows that one circular motion, and he or she will use it endlessly.
3. The Thirsty Dog
Similar to The Puppy, of course — but in some ways, worse. The Thirsty Dog treats your mouth like a dog bowl, lapping up your saliva until you long for dry mouth. Again, switch it up!
4. The Reptile
And here’s one more thing to not do with your tongue: Dart it quickly in and out of your partner’s mouth. That is how snakes smell. It is not how you kiss. The Reptile must learn how to use his or her tongue more sensually.
5. The Cannibal
Some biting is great: It can be a very hot addition to your makeout regimen. But too much biting is a no-no, especially if the other person is left with bleeding lips and painful mouth ulcers for days.
6. The Prude
Lips completely closed. Not even a hint of tongue? What’s the point. The Prude can sometimes be coaxed out of his or her shell, but the lack of passion in the kiss doesn’t speak well to overall bedroom performance.
7. The Dentist
His or her teeth scrape against yours. You can often recover from this kind of bad kiss. Sometimes it’s just an awkward angle! But if The Dentist doesn’t stop, that might just be some misguided individual’s idea of a good time.
8. The Buffet
He or she tastes like whatever he or she has been eating. And while tuna casserole is good on a plate, it’s less appetizing in someone else’s mouth. On the plus side, this is an easy fix. Keep mouthwash handy.
9. The Vampire
Hey, you know what’s not cute? Adults with hickeys. Also teenagers with hickeys, but that’s less appalling. Some of us bruise easily, and The Vampire doesn’t seem to care that we’re going to be left looking strangled.
10. The Newbie
On the one hand, you want to give The Newbie a break for his or her lack of experience. On the other hand, GROSS. Please do some research or at least make out with your fist before you inflict your bad kissing on someone else.