1. Um. What the hell was that.
2. OK, so, Dexter is fleeing Miami with Hannah and Harrison.
3. But he gets a call that his sister’s been shot.
4. So Dexter runs to Deb in the hospital, and she tells him to go to Argentina because he deserves a happy ending.
The sociopath serial killer deserves a happy ending? Sure, that makes sense.
5. Blah, blah, flashbacks.
Rita is conspicuously absent.
6. Then Dexter sends Hannah and Harrison off to Argentina without him.
Because he is the worst boyfriend and father ever.
7. Saxon is very easily apprehended by the police.
Miami Metro sure picked a good time to stop being completely incompetent.
8. Debra takes a turn for the worse.
Hey, it’s the series finale. Somebody had to die, right?
9. Hannah almost gets caught, but then she doesn’t.
Because duh, she carries around a hypodermic needle full of horse tranquilizer with her at all times. Don’t you? Also, let’s take a moment to LOL at Elway’s face here.
10. Dexter kills Saxon. With a pen to the neck. And a lot of witnesses.
I mean, I guess he’s upset about Deb, but this is still really out of character. Did he suddenly forget how to murder properly? He’s also acknowledged that Miami Metro has a solid case against Saxon. Oh well.
11. The other cops are totally cool with it, by the way.
Remember when Quinn was pretty sure Dexter was a murderer? Well, neither does Quinn, apparently.
12. Dex decides to take his sister off life support.
Which is fair. But what he does next makes NO SENSE AT ALL.
13. He STEALS HER BODY.
She died of natural causes. Why is he running away with her body?!
14. Oh, OK, it’s so he can THROW HER INTO THE OCEAN.
Um. Maybe she would have wanted a proper burial? Too late for that now!
15. And then Dexter sails off into a bad CGI hurricane.
Yep. Suicide by hurricane. Meanwhile, Hannah and Harrison are still waiting for him in Argentina. Awkward!
16. Hannah is sad for a few seconds when she learns the love of her life is dead. Then she takes Harrison for ice cream.
Hey, man, the grieving process is complicated.
17. But it turns out Dexter isn’t dead. He’s just a lumberjack with a really unfortunate beard now.
Seriously. This is THE END OF THE SERIES.
18. The final shot is bearded Dex looking at the camera.
But this was mostly obscured by audience members throwing shit at their TVs.