1. Queen Yolanda.
At last season’s reunion, Yolanda established herself as giving the least fucks out of any Housewife next to Brandi. She’s fiercely opinionated, but she isn’t sloppy, which makes her perhaps the most important Housewife to watch. Also, she can survive on lemons and cayenne pepper alone. Scary!
2. Brandi is embracing her dark side.
From misunderstood villain to misunderstood ally to… misunderstood villain again? If the promo is to be believed, Brandi will be drunker and meaner this season. And while it’s harder to sympathize with her that way, it definitely makes for better television. Slur away, Brandi!
3. Lisa is tired of Brandi’s shit.
If Lisa is truly off of Team Brandi, we’re in for an explosive season. While this showdown feels almost inevitable, it’s actually kind of surprising — for awhile, it looked like these BFFs would never turn on each other. Thank the Bravo gods for public feuding.
4. More mixed metaphors about chess and puppets.
Lisa is manipulating everyone like puppets! Puppets who play chess! Honestly, none of this makes any sense, but Brandi does have the best line in the promo — and it’s chess-related: “I know you’re the chess player of all time, but I just fucking checkmated you, bitch.”
5. Kyle is the victim.
Yes, after three seasons of everyone else on this show getting shit on, Kyle is finally the subject of a tabloid scandal. Very sad for her, very gratifying for everyone else. “Somebody’s crying,” as Adrienne (R.I.P.) would say. And it’s always more fun when it’s Kyle.
6. Kim remains flawlessly, effortlessly Kim.
No matter how sober she gets — and believe me, I continue to root for her — Kim will always be just the slightest bit off. Now that we know she’s wacky in a healthy way, it’s OK to laugh when she pretends to faint and actually falls off a chair. That’s our Kim.
7. Joyce Giraud is gracing the show with her presence after an illustrious film career.
Here she is with Fabio in Dude, Where’s My Car? From the promo, Joyce seems a little dull — but let’s not forget the last time we met a seemingly boring new cast member with an accent. Yolanda blossomed; hopefully Joyce can do the same. Ay dios mio, indeed.
8. Carlton Gebbia is a witch.
That’s her story, at least. I’m not sure if the new cast member has any legitimate supernatural skills, but as we learned from Allison DuBois, bragging about your powers is at least as entertaining as demonstrating them. Get this sorceress an e-cigarette, stat!
9. Sapphic undertones.
The best thing about the Beverly Hills Housewives is that they’re randomly bisexual. Brandi, especially, likes to grind up on her co-stars in new and surprising ways. Are she and Carlton actually going to do it? I don’t know. But if Buffy taught me anything, it’s that witches are often lesbians.
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