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22 Signs You Were Raised By Stephen Sondheim

I am nothing — you are wind and water and sky, Sondheim.

1. You scoff at simple harmonies.

2. And easy lyrics.

3. The harder, the better. ART ISN’T EASY.

4. You’ve listened to “Losing My Mind” on repeat after a breakup.

5. But you knew it wasn’t going to work, because you listened to “Could I Leave You?” before the breakup.

6. You overidentify with Bobby from Company.

7. I mean, is it any wonder you’re a little terrified of commitment?

8. Your knowledge of art history comes mostly from Sunday in the Park With George.

9. You know more about former presidential assassins than former presidents.

10. And you’re weirdly sympathetic toward John Hinckley.

11. The fairy tales you grew up with didn’t always have happy endings.

12. Also, the Witch was right.

13. Speaking of, you’re dreading the Into the Woods movie. But you also can’t wait to see it.

14. You’ve been burned in the past.

15. You’ve always been a little distrustful of meat pies.

16. You know “Sooner or Later” is a Sondheim song, not a Madonna song.

17. You have accepted Bernadette Peters as your personal lord and savior.

18. Unless you’re a Patti. Which is valid.

19. You’re also an Elaine Stritch purist. Or you should be.

20. Incidentally, nothing pisses you off more than when people only know Mandy Patinkin from Homeland.

21. The hardest you’ve ever cried is at “Sunday” from the Sondheim birthday concert in 2010.

22. And while you know Sondheim can’t live forever — perish the thought — you also know he’s not going anywhere.

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