2013’s Most Undeserving Razzie Nominees

Each year, 10 Golden Raspberry Awards are bestowed on the worst actors, writers, and directors in film. As always, some of these nominees, which were announced yesterday, deserve a break.

1. Worst Screenplay, “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn — Part 2”

Consider the source material: Melissa Rosenberg didn’t have it easy adapting Stephenie Meyer’s mind-numbing novel. Not to mention the fact that Breaking Dawn is a total dud of a climax. Her twist ending (which you can read about here) was basically the only way to make the film watchable. Crap on the Twilight series as much as you’d like, but Rosenberg deserves kudos for her valiant attempt at salvaging garbage.

2. Worst Screen Couple, Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart in “Breaking Dawn — Part 2”

Look, I don’t buy into Bella and Edward’s undying love, but like Melissa Rosenberg, these two have done the best with what they’ve been given. More importantly, RPattz and KStew deserve love for a highly public cheating scandal that finally made both of them interesting. Sure, Stewart’s indiscretions have nothing to do with her acting, but hasn’t she suffered enough? Pattinson gets extra points for his very obvious disdain for all things Twilight.

3. Worst Supporting Actress, Jessica Biel in “Total Recall” and “Playing for Keeps”

I know hating Jessica Biel is still totally fashionable, but come on — she was actually one of the best things about the otherwise middling Hitchcock. She was also great in the under-the-radar The Tall Man. Saddling Biel with any of the blame for cinematic disasters like Total Recall and Playing for Keeps feels like scapegoating. It’s a crime that Gerard Butler wasn’t even nominated for the latter. Punish him for his awful choices — he’s certainly made enough of them.

4. Worst Supporting Actor, David Hasselhoff in “Piranha 3DD”

Not fair, you guys. Sure, he was playing himself, but can you imagine the effort it takes to be The Hoff these days? Gone are his glory years — we can never return to the magic of Baywatch, a time before we saw him drunkenly eat a burger on the floor. And so, the best Hasselhoff can hope for at this point is self-parody. His performance in Piranha 3DD is neither the best nor the worst thing about the movie. It’s competent, and in this case, that’s enough.

5. Worst Prequel, Remake, Rip-off, or Sequel, “Piranha 3DD”

While we’re on the subject, Piranha 3DD just isn’t a movie that belongs at the Razzies. Though it’s nowhere near as good as it’s predecessor — that’s what happens when you ditch Elisabeth Shue and Adam Scott — Piranha 3DD is at least in on the joke. Even where it fails at satire, it still makes no claims at quality, and that’s an important distinction. Why single out an intentionally bad movie as one of the year’s worst?

6. Worst Actress, Milla Jovovich in “Resident Evil: Retribution”

Uh, Milla Jovovich is a bad-ass. Yes, the Resident Evil series has run its course and then some, but Alice is still a solid action hero. Even in Resident Evil: Retribution, which was panned by most critics, Jovovich holds her own against hordes of the undead and abrasive 3D technology. It’s also cool that she’s still game to make these flicks — though having her husband as the director-producer probably doesn’t hurt. They’re Hollywood’s freakiest couple.

7. Worst Actor, Nicolas Cage in “Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance” and “Seeking Justice”

Nope. You don’t get to nominate Nicolas Cage for being Nicolas Cage. As with the Piranha 3DD nom, his inclusion here is baffling. This is an actor who has elevated his complete lack of restraint to an art. We know that Cage can act, but he chooses to give us this eyeball-straining gonzo shit instead. That’s a legitimate (and courageous) choice. Surely someone can’t be the worst when he’s also the undisputed best at what he does.

8. Worst Picture, “The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure”

I’m not going to defend The Oogieloves, as it is indefensible. My gripe with this pick is that this isn’t really a movie — it’s a failed experiment, a tremendously expensive marketing scheme gone wrong. As one of the most costly disasters of all time, The Oogieloves is a fascinating symbol for Hollywood cynicism and hubris. But Worst Picture? I just don’t think it belongs in the same category as Battleship and That’s My Boy. Those were movies.

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