1. Sean Connery, “In My Life”
On the plus side, he’s not trying to sing. On the minus side, literally everything else.
2. Mrs. Miller, “Yellow Submarine”
Mrs. Miller has a few unbearably shrill Beatles covers, but this one might be the worst. Tough competition!
3. Xaviera Hollander, “Michelle”
If you want to listen to “The Happy Hooker” feign an orgasm while singing a Beatles song, this is the cover for you.
4. Bill Cosby, “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band”
The first time I heard this I thought it was someone doing a Bill Cosby impression. If only that were the case.
5. Keith Moon, “When I’m Sixty-Four”
Sad given his untimely death. Also sad because it’s terrible.
6. Wing, “I Wanna Hold Your Hand”
It’s hard to fault Wing for doing what she loves, despite a clear lack of talent. It’s also hard to listen to Wing.
7. Mae West, “Day Tripper”
At some point, someone thought this was a good idea. If you’re a true glutton for punishment, follow this up with her cover of “Twist and Shout.”
8. George Burns, “Fixing a Hole”
From the godawful Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band movie. There’s a reason we don’t remember George Burns for his singing voice.
9. Steve Martin, “Maxwell’s Silver Hammer”
From the same movie. Steve Martin can sing — see Little Shop of Horrors for evidence — but that didn’t seem to help much here.
10. William Shatner, “Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds”
More spoken word weirdness, this time from William Shatner’s infamous debut album. Does he do parties?
11. Alvin & The Chipmunks, “A Hard Day’s Night”
It’s kind of cute, I guess. I’m more wondering what a hard day’s night entails for an anthropomorphic chipmunk.
12. Tiny Tim, “Nowhere Man”
True Tiny Tim fans might dig this cover. Everyone else should cover their ears.
13. Kylie Minogue, “Help”
Sorry, Kylie. Whatever you were trying to do here needed more than a little help to avoid becoming this embarrassment.
14. Elmer Fudd, “The Fool on the Hil”
Don’t ask me why there’s an album of the Looney Tunes singing the Beatles. I will say this is the most sympathy I’ve ever felt for Elmer Fudd.
15. Eddie Izzard, “Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite”
Sorry, haters: I actually love Across the Universe. It’s a mess, but it’s a fun mess. Except for this song, which is just a mess mess.
16. Bing Crosby, “Hey Jude”
Hey Bing, don’t make it bad. Oh, crap, too late.