1. I’m sorry I keep checking my phone. I’m expecting a call from Barack.
2. You wouldn’t believe how hard it is dating a super-model.
3. Yeah, but there are surprising challenges to owning an island.
4. After I was interviewed in the Forbes “The World’s Youngest Billionaires” story…
5. I was really pissed when I didn’t win that second Nobel Prize.
6. We were going to be here earlier, but our private Boeing 747-81 VIP jet had an engine problem.
7. I know…who would have thought I would be the one to cure cancer!
8. Well I guess if you donate as much money to Harvard as I, you can get a library named after you, too.
Here Are The Top Stories
- The U.S. will release Israeli spy Jonathan Pollard after 30 years. The move isn't tied to the Iran nuclear deal, American officials say.
- Joyce Mitchell, the prison worker who accused of helping two inmates escape from a New York prison, pleaded guilty and faces up to seven years in prison.
- The NFL has upheld Tom Brady's four-game suspension for his alleged involvement with the deflation of footballs 🏈