7 Things Siri Can't Do But Should (Because Lux Already Does)

In my new novel, FREE TO FALL (HarperTeen), practically everyone on the planet uses Lux, an intelligent personal assistant app that runs on their smartphones. Lest you think that Lux is just my fictitious Siri rip-off, here are seven things that Siri can’t do, but should, because in the future, Lux already can:

1.

Siri should remember details about each person you have a conversation with so you don't have to:

Me: HEY! Uh—

Siri: Sarah

Me: —how've you been? Are you still with that same guy, uh—

Siri: Ryan.

Sarah: Ugh. No. I got sick of the long distance.

Me: Right! Because you live in—

Siri: Santa Monica.

Me: —and he lives in—

Siri: New York.

Sarah: Exactly. I felt like I was having a relationship with his phone.

Me: Ugh. So annoying.

2.

Siri should autocorrect poor food choices. Like at Starbucks.

Me: I'll take a triple Venti caramel macchiato with extra whip and a chocolate croiss—

Siri: (interrupting) I didn't get that. Did you mean a tall decaf Americano and a banana?

3.

Siri should become besties with the Siri of someone cooler than you, then casually mention to that person's Siri that he/she should hang out with you.

Emma Stone: Siri, call Andrew and tell him to be ready at 4pm.

Emma Stone's Siri: I didn't get that. Did you mean Lauren Miller? I know she's free at 4pm today and would an excellent companion for the Golden Globes. Should I call her?

4.

Siri should re-direct any call you make after midnight (okay, maybe 11pm to be safe) to your own voicemail, without telling you. You know, just in case.

Me: Hey you. I know I shouldn't be calling you this late— or at all — but I heard that song— you know the one, it's like duh do duh duh do— okay I can't think of the tune right now but you totally know it, and anyway— I thought of you and— oh my gosh, I had the most amazing cupcake tonight. I know, I normally hate cupcakes, but this one was chocolate with pink icing and it made me think of my birthday party, that one you came to, remember? But then you left without telling me, and I spent like forty-five minutes trying to find you. (starts to cry) Who does that? Leaves a birthday party without telling the person whose birthday it is that they're leaving? I know what you'll say, that it was five years ago and I should just get over it, but—- (yawn) — oh my gosh, I am so tired. I'm just gonna close my eyes for a sec. (another yawn. then . . . snoring)

5.

Siri should be your wingman at parties. This one, of course, is less helpful when you're happily married, but in theory, it could go something like this:

Me: Hey, cute boy. I'll talk to you, and your nerdy friend there can talk to . . . (sets iPhone on the bar) . . . Siri.

Nerdy boy: You want me to talk to your phone?

Siri: I don't really talk so much as issue forth electronic speech triggered by user interaction.

Nerdy boy: She's so hot.

6.

Siri should be your brutally honest roommate.

Me: Siri, is this outfit okay? (holds up phone for a selfie)

Siri: I don't see a costume party on your calendar. Should I add it now?

Me: I'm not going to a costume party. It's my best friend's engagement dinner.

Siri: Does it take place in 1994?

Me: I'll go change.

Siri: Good idea.

7.

Siri should be your on-call therapist.

Me: Siri, my husband is an idiot.

Siri: Okay. Do you want me to remember that your husband is an idiot?

Me: Okay, fine. He's not always an idiot. But why does he always have to go and make things so complicated?!?

Siri: Would you like me to play Complicated by Avril Lavigne?

Me: Ugh, you're right.

Siri: I am?

Me: I mean, I get it. You're saying I shouldn't bury my feelings under catchy pop lyrics. I should just talk to him. Wow, I feel so much better now. Thanks, Siri.

Siri: Don't mention it.