1. 1. Bill de Blasio is really tall.
Like 6’5 tall. Like, maybe even the tallest could-be mayor in the country. [note: this has not been fact-checked and is not meant to offend any other really tall candidates for mayor in other cities…]
I am an expert on this. My brother is the mayor of Bloomington, Minnesota and I cannot make this claim about him. That is how much I believe in the height of Bill de Blasio.
2. 2. Bill de Blasio is SO Brooklyn.
But not the the “buys artisan kale ice-pops on the reg” kind of Brooklynite. Bill is totally the “moved to Brooklyn 20+ years ago” kind. Although honestly, what is more hipster than bragging about how you moved to Brooklyn before Brooklyn was trendy? So I will stop. I am unclear at this point if this is going well.
3. 3. Chirlane McCray. You go girl.
In 1979 Chirlane published a story in Essence Magazine titled, “I Am a Lesbian.” But she fell in love with Bill de Blasio and the rest is history. Sexuality is complicated, and Chirlane isn’t shy about speaking up about that (or anything at all, for that matter.) Basically, you will fangirl over her so hard.
4. 4. Bill and Chirlane have two kids: Dante and Chiara.
I fact checked this myself.
5. 5. Dante’s still in public school. Chiara graduated from public school and she turned out great.
6. 6. People are OBSESSED with Dante’s hair.
Have you seen it? Irresistible. Voters love it. Twitter loves it. Manhattan celebrity hairstylist Ted Gibson loves it. There are news stories about Dante’s hair. We are All Dante’s Hair.
7. 7. Bill might secretly be a superhero.
To the untrained eye, Bill looks like a typical dad. He does typical dad things like eating breakfast with his family, driving Dante to school every morning, makes that pleated pants mistake on occasion. But Mother Jones dubbed him the “Citizens United Avenger,” and he plans to save New York’s children by introducing universal pre-K. All that’s missing is a cape and some cool gadgets. The campaign is even seeking name and costume submissions. [This is a totally made up yet amazing idea.]
8. 8. Or maybe he’s Indiana Jones.
He does things like trekking through this African rainforest.
9. 9. Bill has some sweet dance moves.
Wait, move this into “typical dad” list.
10. 10. Also, here is a heart-warming, tear-jerking, feel-good video.
So to summarize: Bill de Blasio is a tall, sappy, thrill-seeking, dancing, hipster super hero with an awesome family. Or maybe he is a typical dad who has dedicated his life to making New York City the greatest city on earth. Or both. Ok, i’ll stop.