1. Q: “Should I take time off to travel after I graduate?”
A: I am going to say yes, but with this stipulation: you have to take your best friend with you. And I think you know who I mean. *ahem*
2. Q: “I feel like my new neighbor doesn’t like me. How do I win them over??”
A: Only one thing to do. Go over there and *boop* ‘em on the nose. All of your problems will be solved.
3. Q: “My friend really hurt my feelings. Should I just give them the silent treatment until they apologize?”
A: As cute as pouting may look on you, it’s probably not the most mature reaction. Talk it out with them, and save the pouty lip for your selfies.
4. Q: “I found out my friend was talking about me behind my back. What should I do?”
A: Def sit on them.
5. Q: “How do you look so cool all the time?”
A: I’m afraid I have my personal stylist to thank for that one. But I CANNOT stress color-coordination enough.
6. Q: “I have a hard time getting motivated in the mornings. Any tips?”
A: Pounce at yourself in the mirror a bunch of times while showering yourself with compliments. You’ll feel like you’re on top of the world!
7. Q: “One of my friends is trying to copy my style and clothing. It’s so annoying! What should I do?”
A: Imitation is the sincerest form of not having a personality! Buuut maybe you should cut your friend some slack and just take the compliment.
… I would advise against being in photos together.
8. Q: “What’s one piece of advice you wish someone had told you when you were younger?”
A: Leashes are actually overrated.
9. Q: “How can I motivate myself to go after what I want?”
A: Sometimes playing sports can tap into that competitive vibe which can help you channel a more ‘go-getter’ attitude.
Just make sure you’re bigger than the ball. That can be awkward.
10. Q: “My ex is trying to get back in touch with me after THEY dumped ME. Should I see them?”
A: Um, no. Cut out the middle man and send YOURSELF flowers instead.
11. Q: “My kids are getting on my last nerve. How do I keep them in line when we’re out and about?”
A: Um, kids are so easy. Just let them ride in the grocery cart. Duh.
12. Q: “I found out the person I’m still in love with just got engaged. How do I cope with this?”
A: Pretend you’re totally fine.
And eventually, after months of fake smiling and feigning confidence, you’ll discover that you actually ARE fine. And then you’ll smile for real!
13. Q: “What makes you feel luxurious?”
A: Two words: SOFT. BLANKIE.
14. Q: “What kind of exercise should I get into this summer?”
A: If you’re not doing water ballet, then you are doing it wrong.
15. Q: “How do you keep your spirits up on a bad day?”
A: Just soak up the rays, dude. The other dogs agree with me.
16. “I’m so tired of sitting indoors after this winter! Any ideas on fun outdoorsy activities?”
A: I usually lose my shit just BEING outside, but I have to say that the one time I did outdoor yoga was pretty rad… kind of.
17. Q: “How can I make myself feel less awkward at parties?”
A: Stand on the balcony and stare off into the distance as if you’re a deep and interesting person. And if someone asks what you’re thinking about just say “What?… Oh, I’m sorry. I was busy thinking about the dichotomy of life and death.”
18. Q: “I’m having an existential crisis!! What the heck should I do to put everything in perspective?”
A: I think humans generally turn to spirituality in these times of hardship? And If that doesn’t work, you can just stare at the toilet as it flushes. That always gives me a renewed zest for life!
19. Q: “What should I write my Art History thesis about?”
A: I can’t in good conscience tell you what to do about that, since I’m just gonna end up eating it anyway.
20. Q: “How can I make my weekends more productive?”
A: I’m just gonna assume that you mistyped that and you actually meant ‘How can I make my weekend more full of naps?’
Get your blankie and shut those peepers!
21. Q: “What is your favorite way to get in shape for swimsuit season?”