Less Is Morphine / Johannesburg / Male / 27
I am a 25 year old doctor working in Johannesburg
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“Governmental photographs at Gauteng hospitals are neglected and are in a dire state of disrepair”. The Health Minister was addressing a crowd of Mopani worm vendors spread eagled on the floor outside casualty. Read More ›
To keep fit I like to fill out at least 50 phleb forms daily, bench press two oxygen tanks (3 sets of 10) and piggy back my patients to CT scanner. I choose to sprint up the stairs to the ninth floor, not because the lift has an 'out of order' sign on it, but because I'm doing 'legs' today. If I can make it through this workout without vomitting up blood, I will reward myself with a Fresubin shake and a B12 injection into one of my massive glutes. I am a fit medic. View Media ›
A replica of Kim Jon Il’s urinary system has been inaugurated as an official presidential must have this Chrismas. The paperweight was launched at a public synchronised execution at Phallus Square in Pyongyang earlier this week…
Darwin Award nominee Halle Berry has taken the manufacturers of the antipsychotic Haloperidol to court over alleged copyright infringement pertaining to the popular Halle Berry Doll toy range. The actress turned toy designer turned tricks on West 63rd street alleges that the drug ‘stole’ its name and marketing campaign directly from the popular toy for ages two and up. The dolls, which are said to be ‘as ubiquitous as skinny jeans in Darfur’ are manufactured under licence in North Korea and sold by Walmart in the light artillery section…
The grade 5 diary of Osama Bin Laden was among the items discovered in a rusty locked receptacle in ward 596 at the Gem Hospital in Johannesburg.
Mickey Pyjamason (7) used to enjoy eating Oreos and playing ‘cops and robbers’ with his Teddy before he became addicted to pethidine. Now he and Teddy are on the run from the real cops. It all started when Mickey was initiated into an Anaesthetic Gang while undergoing a reverse tooth-whitening procedure in the Main Operating Theatre. “I had no choice”, says Mickey. “They asked me if I liked dinosaurs and then they told me to count to ten. When I woke up my mommy was gone and I was scared.” Anesthetic Gangs often prey on the hemodynamically and emotionally unstable. ‘Spider Nevus’ (not his real name) is a member of the infamous 0,9% gang and says that his gang controls three quarters of the crystalloid market. He wears a scrub top with the sleeves torn off and the trademark puppies and skulls bandana. He points to a tattoo of a cat with its eyes crossed out on his cubital fossa and says “We all have needs, aspirations - reasons to wake up from a coma. We think of ourselves as ‘incentivised consciousness'.” Spider explains how they exchange Meowbags (Ketamine + Voluven + Orange juice) for sexual favours, cigarettes and Crocs. “If we haven’t put you under, you’re going down”, smirks Spider as he tightens his Finding Nemo touniquet.
