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What Couples’ Pet Names Really Mean

Boo who?

Boo is for when you aren’t craving sexy times, but want to remind them you’re best friends.”
“Boo is for when they do something nice for you that’s extracurricular.”
“Does anyone really use boo? Like seriously?”
“Is boo a sex nickname?”
“I use boo for my S.O. and boo boo for my friends. The extra boo means no sex.”
“Boo is for when you’re pretending to be a ‘cool’ dude.”

Sweetheart is what my dad calls me.”
“That’s what married people call each other.”
“I could not associate it with sex if I tried.”
“Sweetheart is what you say to a child in a hospital.”
“There is no penetration if sweetheart is tossed around.”
“Sweetheart is for old men dating young ladies and loving every minute of it.”
“Sweetheart is for Dick Tracy.”

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Sweetie is for when you’re fucking PISSED and want them to know it.”
“Sweetie is just my boyfriend’s name to me.”
“Sweetie: you know you’re in some deep fucking shit.”
“When I see sweetie, I think of like, Hallmark cards that are trying too hard to seem hip.”

“I call my friends babe.”
“Me too. I get in trouble for that because it’s so easy to say.”
“Babe is what you say if you have already called an ex-boyfriend baby.”
“Babe is super cazh, super cool, and you’re probably very comfy with each other.”
“Someone you watch a lot of Daria with and you like to do impressions of Kevin together.”
“Calling each other babe for the first time is like saying ‘I love you.’”

Baby? Nope.”
“This is a gross guy.”
“Baby is like a joke pet name.”
“Just nope.”
“Baby is what people call each other in the movies. Like rich people.”
“A surefire sign of daddy issues.”

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Honey or hon is for when I am asking for a favor.”
“Honey seems unnatural. Like thick and sticky.”
“Honey is for when you’re hosting a fancy dinner party and need your S.O. to go get some more fucking merlot.”
“Honey is for people about to break up.”
“Hon is for people who have not had sex in months.”
“Or gay males telling their female friends what to do.”
“Or, like, Bette Midler.”

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Darling seems old to me.”
“Darling is cutesy.”
“I like darling. I think. Or maybe it’s another one I like.”
“Can get you slapped.”
“Yes, darling is definitely a word that can get you slapped. Or it can be sassy.”
“If you are British you can say darling.”
“Darling is fucking Downton Abbey.”

Dear to me is kind of conversational.”
“Dear is for when you get home from work and are utterly exhausted and just need a hug, and thank god they’re there.”
“Are you my grandma?”
“Dear is like, when you’d say their name except it would be weird to say it. Sorry I don’t know.”
“Dear is for when you’re explaining things.”
“Dear is a word you might bust out before you tell someone how wrong they are.”

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Bae is for people too lazy to say babe.”
“I like bae.”
“It’s big on Tumblr.”
“That just sounds like you have a speech impediment.”
“Bae is for the ultra cool couple who you want to be but never really will be.”

“I like ‘love.’ It’s very British, though. Or ‘my love’ I like.”
“My love is what you say when you’re being kind of formal and important.”
“Very classy.”
“My love is, like, wedding vows material.”
“Shakespearian.”
“It gives me feels.”

Cutie is more for kids.”
“When you are bad at flirting and will never succeed.”
“If I were a guy and a girl called me ‘cutie,’ I think my dick would shrivel up.”
“It is the cold water of pet names.”
“Cutie is like, what you say to someone on OkCupid.”
“If a girl says ‘cutie’ with flirty eyes, it’s good. If there are no flirty eyes, then yes, dick shrivel.”

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